What is it your husband? Confident imperious head of the family, which alone makes all decisions, starting with how to plan the family budget, and ending with a dress you should wear to the New Year's party? He often finds fault with you and the children on the little things, controls with whom you are friends, how long you talk on the phone and how often visits the parents? He demands unquestioning submission and obedience, said that he never makes mistakes, and constantly impose his point of view to all members of the family? He rarely pleased with you, and severely reprimanded for any miscalculation? We are very sorry, but it looks like you have a husband-tyrant.
Men's tyranny - a frequent phenomenon in family life. If you look from the side, such a man is perfect. He earns a good idea, the family lives in abundance, solution of economic problems, he takes over, and not to burden them on the shoulders of his wife - in short, as they say, "for him, like a stone wall." In fact this is not true. Or not at all.
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Husbands tyrants: who are they?
Psychologists believe that there are three groups of men-tyrants. The first group - are men who want to fully control the lives of all family members. The decisions they take for himself and for his spouse and children. Controlled and regulated everything: how to dress his wife how much she returns from work, with whom befriends a child, what books he reads, and so on. If someone from the family tries to show independence or independence, home tyrant is furious. He can set the whole system of punishments for disobedience, for example, to forbid his wife to use makeup, if it seems that it suspiciously bright make-up, or to deprive the child allowance for the fact that he stayed to chat with friends on the way home from school. Absolute control - only under such conditions tyrant feels confident.
This group can be attributed to jealous husbands who strictly follow their wives did not communicate with men. The danger they see in everything: wife made a new hairstyle or put on the work of elegant blouse - this is no accident, surely, someone wants to please; going to the reunion - it remains to be seen, with whom she met there, perhaps, with his high school love; someone got the wrong number - it is not an accident, a phone call to his wife meant. An elderly man and a young boy - jealous sees a threat in every male representatives.
The second group - this is psycho-emotional tyrants who enjoy the humiliation of their loved ones. They find fault with his wife and children at the most insignificant occasions. They are well feel "sore spots" and just beat on them. They criticize the education and mental abilities of his wife, her appearance and taste, culinary talents and the ability to drive a car. Their children tend to "boobies and bums", "ignorant and full of nothingness," of whom "nothing good will grow." So tyrants rarely needed the real reason for criticism: they are easy to invent any excuses. To live with her husband, kritikanom intolerable: any complexes and neuroses bloom on this basis riotous color.
The third group includes men who allow themselves to assault in relation to other family members. They do not see anything wrong for himself to teach wits wife or children through physical violence. Blows, cuffs, slaps, and sometimes blows - these are the means by which they maintain their authority in the family. If such a tyrant still abusing strong drinks, he can completely lose control and become dangerous.
The most amazing thing is that husbands tyrants, as a rule, are not always as strong and self-confident personality, what looks from the outside. The nature of the tyrannical husband is a combination of an inferiority complex, cowardice, narcissism, and irresponsibility. Such a statement may seem paradoxical, because they are often successful, accomplished people, confidently walking up the career ladder, good professionals or managers. And yet it is true. Only a person with low self-esteem will assert themselves at the expense of the weak and dependent. Anyone who knows her worth, does not require additional "power" evidence of his authority. The husband-tyrant - a man whose moral orientations are shifted, he enjoys that humiliates human dignity and suppresses the will of people close to him.
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Tyrants are not born ...
... And become. Often the cause of tyranny lies in childhood man. Models of behavior that we have seen since childhood, firmly assimilated by our subconscious and, as adults, we realize ourselves for the already known scenario. So, most likely, one of the parents of the future family despot handed him an example of authoritarian behavior. Probably, it will ruthlessly suppressed and ignored his wishes. To him make excessive demands, its success is not happy and is constantly compared with the achievements of his classmates, friends or relatives.
As a result, a person grows up with a well-developed inferiority complex, unsure of himself and what he does. Therefore, in order not to feel inferior to other people, he starts (consciously or unconsciously) detract from their merits and talents, to limit their social circle, stifle their will and independence and so on. He's just so easy to live.
Another option is formed character of the future tyrant, is as follows: the child in the child getting any only the minimum necessary dose of parental attention. In other words, the parents themselves, only that he was fed, shod, dressed and physically healthy, forgetting about the needs of a different kind - the soul. These children lack basic: love, attention, sympathy, support. They have atrophied capacity for empathy - empathy, the ability to put yourself in the other person. So growing up, they express their concern only way to which he is accustomed from an early age: take care of the external well-being, not taking into account the feelings of their loved ones. And then he married and obtained from him a tyrant husband.
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In networks husband-tyrant
It is difficult to talk about the complete family, if you have to live with the husband-tyrant. Relationships between spouses should be based on mutual love and respect. Now think about what respect can we talk about if the man is doing to the woman fell into complete dependence on him, whether financial or emotional? For the husband-tyrant his wife - an empty place, limp creature, whose opinion is not taken into account. It imposes its will, and she, in turn, must unquestioningly and obey him without a murmur. He tormented her petty chicanery, holding a perpetual state of nervous tension, because guess what he wants to criticize, very difficult. He does not know what the generosity and the right to make a mistake.
Man tyrant likes to be admired, to catch his every word and constantly telling him of his dignity. Living with him, it is impossible to be oneself, to keep the old circle of friends and interests. He did not tolerate the slightest manifestation of independence, because he feels that his credibility is being questioned. He blames his wife that without it she can not step to step and not able to take any decision, not able to live independently and in the same spirit. It's a real moral torture of another person. Cash costs for all members of the family, as a rule, are tightly controlled, and subjected to rigorous examination. Actually, very often she lives with her husband-tyrant reminiscent of the barracks: any deviation from the set of his own rules and routines immediately suppressed.
After several years of marriage, my husband and tyrannical woman begins to feel like a butterfly caught in a spider web that gradually sucks the juice out of it all: the will to live, the capacity for independent judgment and willingness to deal with total control. She is gradually turning into a potential (or permanent) customer clinic neuroses. Home arbitrariness, in circumstances where there is a family man, a tyrant, a detrimental effect on the psyche of children. They grow either utterly spineless, inert and lack of initiative, and subsequently become victims of people with a strong character, or seeing his father in a penny does not put their mother, imitate their behavior and gradually become exactly the same despots and kritikanov.
How does a woman get into the network of tyrants? Very simple: they fall in love with a man who goes through life confident, he knows what he wants, and gives the impression of a reliable and responsible person
. Typically, victims of tyrants are women with low self-esteem, do not realize their own merits, infantile, afraid of independence and suffering from having to make decisions
. They feel that by marrying his chosen, they will be immune to surprises, difficulties and problems that are so rich in life
. When some time later tyrant character is revealed in all its glory, these women refuse to believe in the obvious and can not decide to break off relations
. They are looking for an excuse tyrannical behavior of her husband in his heavy workload, tiredness after a force majeure, bad mood, and other circumstances,
. If a family has a child, women suffer for his sake, that their son or daughter can live and grow in a complete family
Some think they can re-tyrant husband. As a result of their marriage resembles a boat in a stormy sea which throws from side to side: his wife takes the patience of meekly and obediently playing by the rules established by the husband starts to behave exactly the opposite way to rebel and break the taboos. Needless to say that such a "family atmosphere" does not benefit any of the household? In general, the psychology of the relationship between husband and wife-tyrant victim is very difficult. On the one hand, the restriction of freedom of the other person - it is violence against his will, on the other - are often so perverted man expresses his affection for his wife.
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What if the husband - a tyrant?
In the Middle Ages a woman, she married, became wholly owned by the spouse. She was forbidden to have their property, the husband could exhaust its hard work to beat, starve, and so on. Fortunately, a different time, and the woman has the full right to live such a life, what she chooses for herself, and to make a decision what to do if her husband - a tyrant.
In our view, the most sensible thing would be to leave. Do not waste time, energy, nerves, and by and large, and life on the relationships that bear little resemblance to normal. Talk heart to heart, indulging the whims and obedience will not help. Transform husband-tyrant is unrealistic, impossible to live with it - this is necessary to reconcile and begin to systematically prepare the break. Many people think that out of this situation does not exist, the woman feels itself bound hand and foot, she managed to wean to make independent decisions, it is not oriented in life, afraid to remain without an apartment, work and livelihood, especially if it will have to raise a child . It scares the possibility that the child may become a bargaining chip in relations parents husband suddenly take it myself and ban her from seeing her son or daughter?
These thoughts and feelings are understandable, because over the lifetime of a domestic despot woman accustomed to behave humbly, in a position of dependence and subordination. But here it is important to constantly repeat to myself that no hopeless situations - there are only unpleasant decisions. And if you think in advance as possible to minimize the possible consequences of breaking with her husband, a tyrant, to decide on the divorce will be much easier.
So, if you're willing to walk away from the man-despot, remember that your reward will be peace and independence, as well as the opportunity to live the way you want. Tell us about your decision to friends and family, ask them to support at least for the first time after the divorce. They can help you with housing, finances or work. By the way, very often a woman can not get away from her husband's tyrannical precisely because after the wedding or the birth of a child without a moment's work. It is only logical that she was afraid that she had nothing of interest to potential employers.
Nevertheless, it is necessary to get a job: First, will own money, and secondly, increase self-confidence, and thirdly, to expand the circle of communication and regain communication skills. And the first and second, and the third very important. Own money means financial independence, self-esteem will allow you to look to the future and new friends can help establish a life after divorce.
Contact with ex-husband have to nullify. Why do you once again suffer humiliation, listen to reproaches or even threats? You start a new life, so leave the old everything that gives you discomfort, worried and depressed you. Tiran dispose of you and your life during the marriage and may try to maintain that control, and after the divorce. He is quite capable to play a role if necessary sane person and behave calmly and reasonably. In the end he will convince you that he is not no hard feelings and that all his actions are motivated by a desire to help you to start a new life. But if you believe it, live in peace, he will not. Again you risk to be in a vicious circle from which barely escaped.
If the husband beats you or the child have to leave immediately, without wasting a minute. Moreover, for the physical and moral violence is a criminal offense, so be sure to contact the police. Collect things and moves to their parents or friends. Living with them is dangerous, do not feel sorry for him or condone his behavior meaningless axiom of "beats - means love." He does not like you or the child, and asserts itself at your expense. If you absolutely nowhere else to turn, call the crisis center. Employees of these organizations provide psychological and legal counseling for people in difficult situations. They may seek help from the public, podyschut you temporary accommodation, will assist in the search for work.
If you are still willing to fight for it, to keep the family together, because I believe that your relationship is not lost, we recommend you consult a family psychologist. You probably will seem unacceptable to wash dirty linen in public, but will have to do it, as long as you need to preserve the family. Voluntary home dictator will not go to a psychologist, so the first step you need to do. Talk to an expert, consider the way in which you can convince her husband to attend counseling. Together, you will be able to understand which areas of family life can expect changes for the better.
The husband-tyrant - this is not the sentence itself. Start from scratch can be scary. The gap can be painful. Seek help from a psychologist may seem embarrassing. But this action if you want to quietly educate their children, to enjoy every day and respect themselves and not live a stone wall of the constant nagging and humiliation, strict rules and pointless restrictions, jealousy and aggression.