It's terrible when you're faced with the loss. The experience of grief, perhaps, one of the most difficult and serious events in the person's spiritual life. How to rediscover the meaning of life, if you died a close? How does a man devastated by loss, grief can survive and be reborn to a new life? How to get back into her paint and taste? All of this - not pompous raving lunatic, but a very specific issues, know the answer to that is necessary for each person living in this world with you.
The stages of grief
Sometimes one wonders: why do we have been given the mountain? Sometimes you want to make it all disappear, and then we will not again and again to experience the associated loss, anguish and endless emptiness inside. But this is impossible, because, like everything else in the universe, the mountain has its own function. Only man buries his fellows, and this is hidden deep psychological meaning: bury - it does not discard or remove from life, but rather zapryatyvat and store. Based on this, you can have different attitudes to how to grieve. But the most constructive and meaningful positive attitude, and that it could become a support for a person who is aware of the loss.
Generally, in the experiences one goes through several stages:
The first stage - this denial, numbness and shock
Very often the first reaction to the news of the death is: "That can not be! ". The denial can last from several minutes to several weeks, but usually somewhere in the eighth day it is replaced by a picture. A characteristic feature of the new state is numb. Man constrained and tense, he has a feeling of unreality, it seems that he does not feel anything. All this helps a person to remain in the past, not present (in which, as has become known, there is no dead). And that's why the first emotion broke through the numbness becomes angry - so we react to obstacles, namely the obstacle to communication with the dead is becoming a new reality; if it pulls us out of the past, which are still alive.
The next stage - a stage of search
It is usually peaking in the fifth to the twelfth day after receiving the news of the death. A man will long grieve, because that is how he will be able to "gain a foothold in this" in the future to think about the death of a close without excessive pain. Stage Search - is the next step on this path. It is distinguished by the fact that a person seeking to recover lost and struggling not so much with the loss. as its constancy. He seemed to be living in a state of contradiction: on the one hand, he realizes that death - a death, and no turning back, and on the other, the edge of his consciousness continues to believe in miracles (this is manifested in the form of thoughts such as, "Now call him and hear his voice"). This perception of reality in grieving as if covered with a veil or fog.
The third stage - a stage of acute grief
This is the most difficult period, for up to seven weeks, which is also referred to as a period of suffering. It is in these moments of a man run over thought: "Help grieve because I suffer very much! ". May enhance the body's reaction to grief: weakness, loss of energy, a lump in the throat, chest tightness. The head is filled with heavy and sometimes strange and frightening thoughts and feelings: emptiness, despair, meaninglessness, loneliness and abandonment, anger, guilt, anxiety. A man obsessed with a dead way: constantly thinks and remembers about it, and strongly idealized. Suffer relationships with others, there is a desire for solitude.
But it was the stage of acute grief is a turning point in his experience. The depth of pain and suffering is due to the direct action of grieving: it is in these moments he pushes, moves away from the dead (although I thought that the opposite is true, and died away in another world). This is a very important period because, in spite of the actual death, we can continue to stay in contact with the dead plenty of time, but then life will no longer be present.
In order to restore a sense of reality and full contact with life, needs this psychological separation from the deceased, which is inevitably accompanied by suffering and pain. But it is not only the withering away of contact with the dead, but the emergence of the new. This new - the connection between the past and the present, a bridge between the two worlds. It comes at a time when grieving is not just capable of contact with the dead, and to see the two of them in the past. This means the loss of space in the past and acceptance of this fact. As if grieving and divided over double, are in the past and observe the double is not so painful. Woe is blunted at the moment when the grieving can already see from all that is connected with the dead, and that means the end of the stage of acute grief.
The fourth phase - a phase of "residual tremors"
Gradually, life returned to normal: people involved in professional activities, sleep and appetite returned, restored relationships with others. Experiencing grief leaves the foreground, but returns periodically as a sudden flares and shocks. They are still able to cause unpleasant feelings, but with the passage of time there are less and less (as a rule, they are related to the fact, that reminds of the dead - some dates, suddenly found stuff). The loss is embedded in life, because a person is forced to continue to live and deal with in this regard any problem (for example, performs all the rituals of burial), to do different things. Gradually there are more memories, is not associated with pain and sorrow.
The final stage - the stage of completion
To her normal experience of grief is approaching in about a year. Grieving has to overcome various kinds of cultural and social conventions, such as the idea that the duration of mourning shall be directly proportional to the love for the deceased. The main point of this period is that the figure of the deceased should take a place in life and acquire a positive color, for example, become a symbol of kindness and decency.
How to go through the mountain unscathed
Unfortunately, it is impossible to mount slip: there is no magical tool that could help us avoid similar experiences. As has been described above, the period required for adoption of loss and acquisition opportunities to go further. However, at some stages of grieving may need help and there will be a need for additional forces. To learn how to reduce the degree of experience of pain and to find additional resources forces will be written below.
The initial task associated with the experience of grief - is the awareness of the reality of the loss. This is facilitated by the following steps. Firstly, speak. Do not force yourself, but try to share what is happening to you with loved ones, or a psychologist. Second, you follow all known rituals of farewell to the deceased - the most famous being the funeral, funerals, etc. ... Accommodation of all this will facilitate the adoption of the most uncomfortable and indigestible thoughts.
The second problem - the experience of pain. At this stage it is very important to realize that the feelings experienced by you now - are absolutely normal. This may help to find information about the experience of grief, reading relevant books, communication with those who have already suffered the loss. The fact that you are not alone in the world there are many people with similar emotions and feelings, somehow soothing. When emotions are too strong, reduce their intensity can help following exercise: draw a circle around it, sign it and express the strongest feelings get in, shout, weep. So you let them out of themselves outside, but they will be stored inside the circle. You do not take them with you in ordinary life, and you will feel better.
It is important to adjust to the absence of another person. Of course, he held an important place in your life and thus satisfy different needs: love, attention, care, communication, food and money in the end. If rationality - is your strongest feature, try to understand what has disappeared from your life, along with the dead, as you feel the lack. Then sit down and analyze your existing resources - which you do not have enough to meet the needs. It is possible, you will find a lot of strong points. For example, a woman whose husband dies, to provide it suddenly recalls his diploma of higher education, some skills and get a job. And the skills that you lack, you can purchase.
Adjust the intensity of communication with the people around you. Most likely, they will understand this. On the one hand, you will be required to support on their part, and you can always ask about it, but on the other - perhaps you will quickly tire of communication, and in those moments you need to learn how to safely withdraw from contact with people.
Try to find meaning in postignuvshey you lose. This is one of the most difficult actions, but it is also very important to complete your experience. To begin to do so after passing the peak stage of acute grief - severe pain simply will not allow you to switch to anything else. You can try to make a list of all possible meanings that may be that you left the loved one. For example, in the case of serious diseases, it may be a relief of pain. Or meeting in heaven with his wife. In any case, write down even the most absurd options that come to mind - perhaps, will bring relief to the most paradoxical of them.
In relations with you suddenly left the man is always plenty of unfinished moments. For example, you do not have time to say goodbye, did not say once again that you love or have been hurt just before his departure to the other world. All these things create unnecessary tension, which would be nice to get rid of. So try to complete all the work in progress in the relationship with the deceased, for example, write a letter to him, which describe their feelings and thoughts about him, ask forgiveness for some of his misdeeds. Perhaps it will take you some time and will require spiritual strength, however, is an important step to experiencing grief.
Redirect the energy from the old to the new relationship. Try to share the information at your energy into two streams - one albeit with the loss of contact and manifests itself in the mountain, and the other - in relations with other loved ones. For example, a mother who lost a child continues to love and care for their other children. First, a reduction in energy directed to a loss and you will be able to think of the dead without severe pain and crying (it will not be sorrow, but the sorrow). And then there recognition and you'll see how much things have changed, that you have acquired in connection with this loss, far wiser.
The most recent - a place to find what was lost. The dead person will always be in your heart, and you will be able to refer to it. After the adoption of the loss is a lot of energy that you can send in a good direction, in particular, to charity. You can also be a volunteer, especially if you operate in the areas of, anyway related to your loss. For example, people who have lost their mother to cancer, then arrange funds for the fight against cancer.
Death - it is an inevitable part of the life cycle. And we, the people living on this planet, we have to accept it and learn to live with her. As already stated above, the mountain - it's a necessary step, it is impossible to skip or bypass. Some people prefer not to grieve, and to hide their feelings in the depths of the subconscious. But this is not an option, because the emotions will still live with you, energy will be saved and break, but in the form of some unpleasant symptoms: irritability, nervousness, insomnia, psychosomatic disorders and addictions. So be honest with yourself and try to find the delicate balance that will help you not to sink into the abyss of suffering, but do not go away completely from their experiences. And remember that everything goes, including pain.
We strongly recommend to read: The meaning of life - how to find?