Divorce - second in severity after the death of the loss, which many people face in their lives. This is also a kind of death - dying love, the marriage breaks down, we lose a loved one, which often do not cease to love and after a divorce. And, like the death of a man after a separation in the memory often emerge only the best moments of their life together. These memories hurt us even more, burning regret of lost happiness and the impossibility of its return. Of course, there are situations when a divorce may be the only way to return to a normal life, in which case the care of her husband's family may even be a welcome development. But we do not know. The hardest thing to go through a divorce, which is caused by the departure of her husband to another woman he loved.
Psychologists Holmes and Raheem back in the sixties of the last century amounted to scale assessment of human exposure to stressful events. This scale is relevant to any modern psychologist. So, after the death of a life partner, the impact of which on the scale of Holmes and Rahim estimated at one hundred points, the second place is worth a divorce. Divorce with his seventy three points is ahead of imprisonment, the death of a family member or a serious illness. How to survive a divorce, if the stress from it so great? How to find the strength to return to normal life, which continues after the divorce?
Each of us has ever experienced a break with a partner, because experiencing similar emotions not only in a divorce, but parting with any former lovers. Someone experiencing separation without much emotion, and someone (usually the one who still continues to love) is experiencing severe stress, plunging into despair and a sense of meaninglessness later in life. Of course, in many respects the power of emotions depends on how long and how strong was the bond between partners.
Divorce is not unreasonable
Divorce can be not only all the understandable reaction to treason. The fact is that even the most prosperous partnership is changing. Most of us, after the first euphoria and enthusiasm from each other in the development of partnerships reach a plateau when blunted emotions, relationships are stabilized, and we are no longer trying to develop their relations. The onset of a stage in the relationship indicates the strength of communication, but it does not mean that you can relax and do nothing that would prevent a possible rupture. Worked on her own happiness in marriage must be permanent, or clap of thunder - and after a divorce have to think about what went wrong and when wrong.
Did you initially with your partner are not compatible - in character, temperament, upbringing, but you never know what else might prevent you to achieve perfect harmony. But perhaps you yourself have neglected something, do not make an effort to ensure that each of you were comfortable with each other, and the divorce just became a natural consequence of your inaction.
How to survive the aftermath of divorce?
Because of what happened to any divorce, the main task is to recover from the incident and return to everyday life. Especially difficult is the first month after the divorce, when emotions are particularly strong. At the head of constantly having the same thought - why did this happen? What can be changed? Who among us greater wrong? Was it possible to somehow save the relationship and to avoid divorce?
You might, at this time can not even imagine how to survive divorce from her husband, how to survive the next minute, the next hour ... feeling familiar to many who have gone through a divorce; and yet they all survived. So pull yourself together, calm down and plan a new life. The best tool in this period will be psychological advice. The doctors recommend that men's souls to plan their activities for the entire first month of life after divorce.
The first days after the divorce, you must give yourself a good cry, throw the raging emotions. It is best if close to us at this moment is one of the close friends who can complain, complain, complain ... It is impossible to seek solitude, or loneliness may seem simply unbearable!
So, phoning someone who is particularly close to us, please come. And then, buried in a friendly waistcoat, opening the floodgates of their grief and begin to cry! Crying is necessary as much as possible, it really helps! Shout, swear, feel sorry for yourself - Throw all the emotions that are burning within you. When vyplachetes - start talking. Discuss, analyze your relationship with your husband, try to understand what made him change. Talk about how you will live on.
If you and your friend have the strength to say it was good all night. Of course, you need to sleep, but today you'd better not to go at all. Because the most difficult moment - waking the first morning after the divorce. Therefore it is better to say a reliable friend until the morning, it will save you from a terrible loneliness.
Very nice it would be right after the divorce with his girlfriend to spend a few days in a row. If that does not work (not always the same friends have the opportunity for a long time to leave the family without supervision), try at first to be constantly close to those you love and understand. It can be your children, parents, dog ... Even a wise elderly neighbor, who will try to support you with kind words, can be a drop of balm for your soul.
Why not in the first week after the divorce to be alone with yourself? Because, left alone, you will constantly be tempted to write a sms to his former, or even call. And it should not do. Everything has turned out, all agreed, nothing will change, but the soul itself rastravite.
The second week
If during the week, on weekdays, yet somehow you can escape from the bitter thoughts, the weekend resentment and loneliness piled with renewed vigor. Only one way out - pick up the phone and call your friends. Explain to them that you need a change of scene and get away from the house, preferably on the weekend, and give them a chance to help you. Together we make a plan for how to spend the weekend with benefit to all. This can be a sortie on the nature with an overnight stay in tents, and maybe even shock work someone in the country. The main thing is that our thoughts were on something far away from worries about divorce.
During the second week, you should make a very important step that will help you quickly give up the invisible presence of her ex-husband in your home - you need to get rid of all objects as any related. Music CDs and his favorite movies, old times your love letters, forgotten his toothbrush, his photographs - everything that reminds of him. Put it all in a bag and put to trash. Remove his e-mail from the phone to erase all of its SMS. Clean the contacts that he could not see when you are online. Do not go to the place where you can meet her ex-husband. In short, all contacts with the former banned!
Why is that? Because - reading his old love letters or listening to his favorite songs, return the love you can not. And when faced with him inadvertently, start again and heard enough to sort things out for themselves the unpleasant things. All this will only increase your pain; But before you have another goal - to settle down and start a new life. The sooner you start to believe that it is good that he left (even if it is not!), The better for you. If you give him to understand that you want to he was not in your life - you'll be a winner. If you are going to suffer, and to seek a meeting with him - you'll become a defeated party.
The third week
Make a general cleaning (even in winter, autumn or summer - does not matter). And do not just clean the house, but in my head! If opportunities allow, take home some significant changes - replace carpet, buy a new bed, change the curtains. Any visual changes will bring you only benefits.
Likewise peretryahnite and "Brush" thoughts in my head. Find yourself a thousand arguments that in the care of her husband for you many benefits. After all, it provided the impetus for a divorce after a positive change in your new life! That is what, in this case psychological advice. Take a sheet of paper and divide it into two parts. On the left side write all the bad things that were in your life together. On the right, write what good things happened and still happen to you after the divorce. When the write whatever comes to mind - the sheet to hang a mirror in the bathroom.
Let every day be written before our eyes. And the right and left side of the sheet will be updated with new records. Reading every day is written on this paper, you will clearly understand that love has passed, the husband does not come back, and you have, after all, so many wonderful prospects that we should not look back and grieve the past!
The fourth week
There comes a time when you need to break past the invisible threads that bind you to the past. Here you again very useful help your faithful (and patient!) Friends. You have to understand within themselves, and without the side view simply can not do. It's time to face the truth! Especially if it happened, it was not the first separation in your life. Ask your friends to talk about what they think about your relationship with your ex-husband.
Perhaps you are to blame for the divorce? What's your fault? What was wrong? You tend to look for the wrong partner? Can you "take" the first that fell, because you are afraid of being alone? Or maybe you do not understand male psychology or handed over to a man excessive demands? Let your friends to be honest, but you will not be offended by them for the truth. This view on the part of the divorce occurred will help to understand and help to avoid mistakes in the future.
If during this period you still need arise to have something to do with her ex-husband, you'd better write him a letter. But do not send it immediately after writing - leave a letter at for some time. Maybe you want something to fix in a letter written in a different way. Or, did you change your mind and send it. To live without the beloved has become easier!
A month later
Now you should have come to an understanding - no turning back. Even if the ex-husband comes back, then you can not be sure that it was his sincere desire, and not because of remorse. And there is no guarantee that one day he will not want to leave again. As the saying goes, once lied ... It's better to leave things as they are.
You start to live a normal life and do not need any more ongoing support and care from friends and relatives. Even the night alone is now perceived quite calmly. We can not say that you finally settled down, but you feel yourself already a lot better. Although, frankly, it is still sad, and often you catch yourself thinking, "I wonder what he's doing now? "And yet - this is for you is not as important as a month ago!
Do not hold a grudge in his heart
One can understand the grief and despair that you have experienced, learned about the betrayal of a loved one. After all, he was always to be only with you! This is your beloved husband, your close and dear people, without which you can not imagine your life! But, unfortunately, this is not true. No one no one can own. You can not expect from someone close to you, that he will never leave you. Life is unpredictable, and this could happen to any of us.
Your ex-husband did what was right for him, he broke up with you, because he wanted to go his own way. If he does not love you, he did the right thing, giving you the chance to find a partner with whom you can live in harmony. He himself could not create for you such harmony, so he left you.
Life goes on!
What is your most important thing now? First of all, take the time to build a new relationship just because they want to prove something to the former spouse. Or from the fact that too uncomfortable in a cold bed. Believe me - casual partners did not warm the bed either, nor soul. But this does not mean that you have to put a cross on his personal life. Be prepared for the fact that the new relationship and new love come into your life. And even if you are very fond of the wife and the first time can not even imagine how to survive divorce from her husband, I do not think that his departure life stopped.
Many people after divorce often feel that they have never and no one else will be able to love. Even the best advice of the psychologist can not help. After all, fear again get into a similar situation, and do not want to once again go through such pain. This position can be compared with the position of the athlete, who declined to be easy to take part in the Olympics because he was unable to become a champion in the previous games. But do not because of a failure to lose all my life, closing a path to joy and happiness possible. Fear of the new love will not bring you nothing but harm. And then - why is your new partner senses that you are afraid to trust, have to suffer because of the mistakes of his predecessor? It's not fair, and you need to give a chance to both him and yourself.
Of course, each person is unique, and this, as your ex-husband, you will not find. But is it worth to suffer because of this? After all, your new choice will be unique, and it could happen that it will be even better than you once loved, but her ex-husband! And it's likely you'll love it even more than had once loved. Especially now, some time after the divorce, in his memoirs, you tend to idealize a little bit of his former spouse.
Now I remember all the good things. This property of human memory - poor forgotten, even if it was, and remember only the good, causing regret the fact that it is no longer available. Here comes the feeling that no one can be compared to the departed person. This is a big mistake, and if you can understand this, you will understand and how to painlessly go through divorce with loved ones, and again feel the taste of life and the joy of meeting new people.
One wise oriental proverb says, when one of the gates are closed to happiness, life opens another gate; but we so often look to the long closed gates that do not notice that we are open to other ways to happiness. Even if you think that after the departure of her husband's whole world collapsed, that you can not survive treason, you no longer have a place among the happy people, if you feel only emptiness and despair - it is very important to understand that this state immediately after a divorce is perfectly normal . It's not the end of life, but only the end of one chapter, followed by the start of the next.
You can and cry and yell, but then it is important to think about how to survive divorce with less mental loss, and begin to move forward. Somewhere you will find a new love. True love. Only you have to realize that the path to it is not always strewn with fragrant rose petals, and that not everyone meets true love from the first time. And what happened to you was just a lesson. The main thing that you should learn from this lesson - life goes on, and love - beautiful!
We recommend to check out how to survive the separation from a loved one