The relationship between mother and daughter - one of the most powerful, profound and important. Unfortunately, they are not always perfect. "I do not like your girlfriend," "Sit straight and then earn a scoliosis! "" You stupid haircut "- you often hear these words from his mother? And as often answer: "Mom, leave me alone! This is my friend, back, hair, life "? If both questions you answered yes, then this article is about how to build relationships with my mother, you will be interesting and useful.
The reasons for reticence
As a rule, you realize that everything is bad, not one moment. It happens gradually - mutual resentment accumulate in your speech more and more frequently heard criticisms. Perversely, in such moments, moving away from each other people who need to be as close to each other - you and your mother. Most likely, you find it difficult to talk about what happens to you. It's always in communication with the closest - we are afraid of them or say something or say is that then I want to go down the drain. Tangle of emotions consisting of resentment, guilt, shame, anger, and says that you have soured relations with his mother. As a rule, you save up those feelings and then they break out.
In order to resolve the question of how to improve relations with his mother, it is necessary to determine the reasons for their upset. You can talk about these things that often cause discord in the relationship with his mother:
Attempts by the mother through her daughter's life to realize their unfulfilled dreams. This can be expressed in different ways: in a soft but persistent prodding to any ideas as to what you should be, or in hard voicing their opinions. But the fact remains - as is expected of you too much, you start to feel the heavy burden of responsibility. And you assumed it did not take - it imposed on you your mother. When you realize your fault, because you mostly do not implement the expectations of your mom has to go. It is her desire, but your life and you have the right to live as you see fit.
The desire to obtain the approval of the mother daughter
. You're doing it to your mom praised
. Its approval means a lot to you, and you try not to do anything that might upset her
. Your need for maternal praise unsaturated - you always her little
. If this sounds like you, then most likely the problem lies in your child: You said that you have to achieve a lot in life, all your successes taken for granted, and the failure evaluated very negatively
. It requires a deep work with personal settings such as "I must be the best in everything," and "I can not disappoint my mother"
. This is a very strict limits, beyond which is usually fraught with attack of negative experiences: anxiety, guilt, shame, or fear
. The most important thing - is to realize such a setup, and then decide - whether it is necessary to you in this form, or it can be changed, for example, such a "I want as little as possible to upset his mother" or "I want to achieve success in their careers"
The gap between the generations. This is the notorious problem of "fathers and children". What it was once considered something out of the ordinary (eg, sex and living together before marriage), now - an absolute norm. As with the progress of constant information. So something can not understand your mother, but something even condemned it. Tip - some new things, try to explain to her, but do not make it stop. Your mom is older and everything new gives her harder than you. In some situations it is not necessary to argue - to listen to her opinion and make their own way.
The constant criticism of the mother. Endless accusations and attacks bring you to the "white hot"? You have the worst hairstyle, gait, husband, work and lifestyle? You can sympathize. Living in constant criticism - it's very hard. Try to analyze the reasons for such chicanery. They may be due to the nature of your mom or her will make you better. In the first case, you just have to accept, adapt and take it for what it is. You can reduce the intensity of the dialogue, and then the reasons for the comments will not be as noticeable to her. In the second case, try to regularly give her feedback - talking about how painful and uncomfortable it makes you his constant criticism. Try to figure out why she did not want to accept you for who you are - maybe it within its own complexes?
Attempts on the part of the mother to live the life of his daughter. It's not that "builds" you - it is simply too aggressively interested in your life. Your mom need to know all - with whom you communicate, go where and why you are doing so, and not otherwise. And you can be too stuffy from the complete lack of personal space. In such a situation it is important to identify these limits and any sphere in your life where your mother the way ordered - for example, some aspects of his personal life. Explain to her that it is not from dislike or distrust. You just want to have something of their own, belonging only to you. And keep in mind that usually such behavior on the part of the mother caused their own problems, so be lenient - perhaps you only joy in her life.
How does it fix?
The initial reasons may be different, but in the future mutual resentment builds up and you can not, and do not need to understand who is right and who is wrong. What can we do to you no longer have to worry about that soured relations with his mother, and came to you peace and harmony?
Try to understand what motivates your mother. Most likely, this engine will be all sorts of good intentions. But when we wish good, offended and angry it is somehow not with his hands. Realizing that your mom probably wish you only the best for you if you do not forgive it completely, you probably want to establish a dialogue.
Recognition of the fact that each of you has his own life. It is quite difficult to do, but you need to pass through itself and realize that you are different persons, having different attitudes, dreams and desires. Maybe you think that this recognition should go exclusively from your mother? No! You also need to realize that it is entitled to their own views and dreams of prosperity, stability and future fulfillment. Part of this self-realization as a mother just might be the image of her daughter, protection or thesis successfully married to. She may desire it, but you, in turn, are not obliged to implement its dream about you and, accordingly, should not feel guilty for wanting to live your life.
Find out more about the entire life of your mother. What she had a childhood? What were her youthful dreams? Why she started dating your father? Answers to these and many other questions can open up your eyes to the reasons for its actions and the sources of some features of the character. It is possible that your mother has lived a difficult life, but it's always affects the character of the person. It is possible that your entire disorder - a cry for help and support with her hand, which she unfortunately could not express directly.
Pay attention to what you have in common: similar in appearance, the same character traits and common views for you. This will set you on the understanding that you - one flesh and blood, a woman of the same genus. You will see how much you all from your mother, including your strengths, abilities and strengths. You can even experience thanks to her because you would not be for what you are now, if not for her.
Ask mom about your childhood. As leaked her pregnancy? How do you behave in the womb? They beat you or feet were calm? As you were born? What was the first feeling it at the moment when she saw you? What is it like to you when you were a baby? What is she afraid of? What was most difficult for her to take care of you? Do not you think she herself a bad mother? First, it will focus on your proximity, thanks to stories about how your mother take care of you when you were little. Secondly, it will contribute to your understanding of how difficult it is to be a mother. What is hidden from the attention of your mother and, in addition, will give her the opportunity to once again feel like an expert in this difficult matter as motherhood. Third, the memories of your childhood are a source of positive energy for you and for your mother, and it is this energy is needed now to your relationship with her.
Think of the responsibility that lay on your mother. Try to put yourself in her place and feel the difficulties that she sometimes felt and experienced. Most likely, it will reduce the degree of your resentment and anger at her mother. Do not forget that you were born because of your mother. She fed you, clothed and cared for with all his might. She was worried about you and wanted to make sure that you have all been good. She put you in a lot of effort. Remember this, and will be easier to turn a blind eye to some of its shortcomings.
There is one very interesting phenomenon - usually problems in the relationship with his mother leave at a time when you have a own child. This is firstly due to the harsh restructuring of your entire attitude and perception of the world, and, secondly, the fact that you begin to live in a new role - the role of the mother. And at this moment often comes true understanding of the behavior of your mother.
Most likely, these first steps to solve the problems in your relationship with her mother have to make you. Tom is a simple explanation: you are younger and therefore more flexible. Your mom is older and often it can be attributed to the age of some rigidity of her views. Problems in the relationship with her mother exacerbated by the fact that both of you feel an abnormality of your negative emotions to each other, causing a rift between you. That is why they need to be addressed, and not to let you permanently soured relations with his mother.
You look at each other more than anyone else. This similarity supports your mutual affection and makes it unique. And that is why try to recover and preserve the intimacy that is possible only between mother and daughter, because another chance like the relationship you have, unfortunately, will not.
We recommend that read: Relationships in-law and daughter-in