Someone very poetically christened the green-eyed monster of jealousy. And indeed, this terrible feeling like a monster - it devours the inside, breaking and destroying the life of the relationship. How to destroy a jealous, how to fight it? This feeling arises in a man one of the first. The child has not yet learned to walk and talk properly, but is already beginning to assert proprietary rights of parents, toys, leisure time associates. Remember how it happens:
The boy in the garden beautiful machine, and I have a very old and broken.
Mom hugged his little sister, but I do not.
Sasha allowed to eat ice cream, and my mom says that I have a sore throat.
A friend received a mark above. And all because she is sucking up to the teacher.
Someone else in the childhood experienced such moments in silence and without complaint, putting out a negative feeling. And someone was breaking machines kindergarten friend Sasha daubed forbidden ice cream and beat sister for being too motherly love. And if a child these manifestations of jealousy, though seemed ridiculous, but completely goodbye parents and teachers, then in adult life is more like a jealous neurotic. The man is jealous, tormented by other suspicions, he suffers and can not grasp: where did this destructive feeling?
So, what is jealousy and how to fight it, what is it? Let's set aside children's manifestation of possessiveness toward adults, and talk about feelings. What has been the wife of a suspicion of treason? What is behind this accusation?
Jealousy - is:
fear of losing a partner;
fear of being worse than someone (an opponent or competitor);
fear of being alone;
result of disease (alcoholism).
However, not all so simple. There are mixed views jealousy. That is, people and afraid of losing a husband or wife, and do not want to be one with the feeling that someone was better. Therefore, decide how to deal with jealousy, you need based on the specific situation.
Types of jealousy
It is also possible to classify the types of jealousy, depending on the nature of the partner:
It occurs in people insecure. The reason usually is not suspicious behavior of a spouse (wife) in the present tense, and the lack of love and attention as a child.
How to deal with jealousy insecure partner? Only by increasing its self-esteem. Take a husband (wife) to a psychologist to address children's problems, most say you his (her) love. This type of jealousy, the most treatable. But it is found most often.
Despotic (titanic) Jealousy
It happens at the power of people who are not able to take into account other people's feelings, desires. Despots believe that everything must revolve around them, and the partner must belong to them completely.
To deal with such kind of jealousy is almost impossible, because the feeling jealous controlled his temper, especially characteristic. The man thus born. And to completely redo it, unfortunately, can not.
So jealous of people who have themselves "the stigma of a gun." Spouse change ourselves and think that their partner goes to them as well. Psychologists argue about the causes of reverse jealousy. Some believe that jealous apostate causes guilt. Others believe that people simply judged on their own. And if they themselves do not have to cross through the promises of loyalty, then it will be given to partner with ease.
Here, questions of "how to deal with his jealousy" did not help. Appropriate to raise the issue on the agenda, "Why is walking partner? "Get rid of reverse jealousy will only return to the true life of the husband or wife. I must admit that in this category in 75% of men and only 25% - women. And the point is not that men are walking more women. Just the fair sex with the help of adultery and increases their self-esteem, on the other hand, freed from all manifestations of jealousy. Then the man in this case, looking at the mistress, projecting it to his wife and begins to think: "If it could, then mine, I suppose, somewhere in walking."
Pathologic (morbid) Jealousy
This is the most difficult type of jealousy. There he had drunken alcoholics, drug addicts, schizophrenics and people with nervous disorders. They're getting into altered consciousness (drunk, pricked, etc.) begin to look for a reason for conflict. Detonator is an acute sense of guilt, hidden in the depths of the subconscious, for their failure and inferiority. The worst thing is that this jealousy is often aggressive. Often accused of infidelity enters the hospital with beatings.
And victims of the charges would have to get away from the martyr, or think about how to deal with jealousy an inadequate partner. But they tend to be getting into codependency, continue to suffer hot flashes of jealousy, uncontrolled aggression and numerous abuses. In this case, the need to treat both partners. And not only with jealousy but also from addictions and codependency.
If you suffer from jealousy ...
In the event that uncontrollable jealousy torments you answer yourself a few questions:
Do you find yourself at any of the descriptions given above?
Reasonable if your jealousy (women very strongly developed intuition of loyalty and disloyalty partner);
If - yes, then how it looks serious, as you imagine? (Maybe my husband just like an employee, and you have already write to the rank of his mistresses);
What are you going to do if the allegations prove to be true change?
If you - a mother of three, who sits in the decree, think carefully before you put her husband's belongings out the door. We decided not to divorce? Then talk about their guesses are not worth it. Because her husband, feeling impunity can really go into the dressing.
By the way, if you constantly show your zeal and your partner are in no way to blame, it can provoke real change. The husband may think, "Well, if it gets me so, it is necessary gulnut not to hurt it every day to hear the charges."
The damage that can cause jealousy
To find out, did not you jealous of your major problem, psychologists suggest to ask yourself four simple questions:
I do not struggle with windmills?
Whether it interferes with my sense of normalcy?
It delivers if my jealousy pain to someone I love?
Controls whether my zeal I itself is more than I can control it?
And if you answered yes to one or more of these questions, then you should think that it is time to change something in their behavior and in their thoughts and feelings. Measures should be taken necessarily, because jealousy is capable of causing significant harm to the very different aspects of your life:
Injury. Constant anxiety and feelings of jealousy can reduce appetite and greatly reduce the quality of sleep. A very strong feeling of jealousy may have the same health effects as they are in anxiety disorders. In particular, a person increases the heart rate, increased sweating, nervous exhaustion occurs. And if you are unable to constructively deal with jealousy, it can lead to severe depression.
Harm Relations. Jealousy can affect your relationship in a negative way, especially if the alleged threat is not real and your partner really does not do anything to cause jealousy. Even the most loving and devoted partner can feel the pain, anxiety and dissatisfaction with the fact that he did not trust. Ultimately, it drains you both emotionally.
But when you feel jealousy creeps into your heart, do not be alarmed immediately. Remember that this is not necessarily a bad sign, and not always jealousy gets the feeling that to be ashamed of. Sometimes it just may mean that you really cherish someone and can not imagine that this man might leave or replace it with someone else.
Of course, sometimes you may not like what your man with someone is flirting, and it is understandable. After all, you can see that he is now good, but you're not next to him. This causes a feeling of uncertainty, and that can turn into jealousy. But jealousy may be harmless, if nothing bad your partner does not, then there is nothing that could turn your happy relationship in bitter disappointment. Such jealousy - it's just a subconscious way to attract attention. Then it is necessary to learn to relax and allow yourself to be happy, instead of suspecting something your man.
Sometimes jealousy in a relationship may seem trivial, but if she did not resist and did not overcome it, then it can destroy your sense of love and affection for each other. Therefore we must find the strength to resist green eyes monster that lurks around the corner and waits for the moment to make the hurt and make you hate your favorite.
How to deal with jealousy
Jealousy is not always easy to handle. It all can be confusing, into believing that relations are threatened, even if in fact they are just perfect. Jealousy emerges for many couples, and it is, in fact, of course, because it is - nothing more than the fear of losing the one you love much. It's hard to just smile and stay calm when your partner is cute jokes or else attend to another attractive woman, especially at a time when you are near. In the same way you have to worry when you see how he hugged and noisy rejoicing, met his childhood friend, you have not seen.
But you know what your partner's behavior is acceptable? Unless you do not also have hugged and kissed the cheek of his very good friend of the opposite sex, if it would face after not seen him for several years? Do not you would be very happy to meet him? Tell me frankly - have you never allowed themselves to just flirt with someone if your favorite was not there? And do not you go dance with another man, if you like to dance, and your partner was tired and just want to sit down?
Jealousy comes into your head, because of your own mistakes, not because your boyfriend acts anyway. It comes from the fact that you perceive exactly what is happening. People have a tendency to be pessimistic and expect the worst when it comes to relationships, and this trend is difficult for many to think rationally. That is why watching the jealousy between loving people from the outside, you can often notice how stupid their claims against each other. How to stop be jealous?
Steps to combat jealousy
Jealousy and love - is always there. This is fine if a great love mixed with a drop of jealousy. Perhaps it is natural and almost inevitable part of a romantic relationship. The trick is that you need to make sure that the jealousy in your relationship does not play more than a cameo. "Flight" on the wings of jealousy, performed over and over again, it is too tedious for both lovers and do not make anything at all to give a chance to improve your relationship. Quite the contrary - jealousy can accelerate the end of what you are trying so hard to protect. The best way to help each other - is an effective communication and understanding each other.
Listen to your partner, and do it for real. Maybe he's trying to say something to you his behavior, he wants to get on you for something. In the majority of situations that provoke jealousy, your partner really does is to draw your attention to yourself and to show you that he'll even still care. If you want to solve the problem, then you both have to be willing to listen to each other and hear what each of you wants to say. Try to guess the thoughts and motivations of your men and their actions try to show him that he completely owns your attention even if you are talking or dancing with another man.
Communicate and try to understand. If the words or actions of your man cause you irritation, just tell him about it. You can, of course, just inflate and silent, as a partisan during the interrogation, but you only make things worse for both of you. Instead of mentally keep diatribe, better say it all out loud. Can not it be that the man did not even realize that he had done this, what could cry your jealousy and anger. And if they understand what is to blame ... Do not go if your partner wants to tell you something, listen to it, even if it will seem that it does not make sense. Remember, you will surely mean a lot to a man if he wants to justify and keep you.
Try to solve the problem with your jealousy. A constructive dialogue can be a way to acquire an ally in your partner, someone who will feel that he can point out to you when you are jealous totally unreasonable. Conducting dialogue, consider the following:
Do not shift the blame for his jealousy of another person. Only you are responsible for your feelings.
Adhere to the "I" -zayavleny. Instead of saying "you do not have to do that," say, "I felt terrible when it happened."
Remember that how you perceive the situation may completely disagree with the way your man sees it.
First of all, be compassionate - and to yourself, and to your partner, to whom you have entrusted the load and so his jealousy. Try to find the best way forward. Be passionate not jealousy and accusations, and in his desire to improve your relationship and in an attempt to develop their jealousy.
In most cases it is unlikely to be a one-time conversation. You will have to agree to go back to the conversation every time you start to take over your jealousy.
Put yourself in his place. This is one of the best ways to deal with jealousy in a relationship between a man and a woman. What would you do in a similar situation, if you were to place your lover? You would behave the same way? Could you avoid such behavior, which could trigger a flash of jealousy from your partner? Try to always put yourself in the shoes of the partner and try to understand what your man is going through at this moment. Maybe he just wants to make a good impression or just trying to be polite? And is everyone in the world should revolve around your man, certainly wanting to discourage him from you?
Confident in his feelings for the partner. Also one of the best ways to deal with jealousy, but now if you are not jealous of you, and your partner. If you're angry at him for his suspicions, it will only aggravate the situation. It is better to tell your loved one that is very sorry that neglected them if you really Man left without attention, preferring to devote it to someone else. Or just calm your soul mate, and let him hear how much you love him and how you value them. When a man is jealous, we must remember that more than anything else, he is afraid of losing you, and it is very bad without your attention!
Be rational. Jealousy in love is usually associated with the alleged threat to the relationship. The most important thing that you have to do - is to try to figure out the threat is real or imaginary; it must be remembered that poisoned by jealousy mind tends minor actions and words are too important to give status. Think of Shakespeare's Othello, for which an unexpected loss of his beloved wife usual handkerchief served as sufficient grounds to suspect her of infidelity and even kill for it.
Work on your self-esteem. It is no secret that the most jealous insecure people. Thus, the study of American psychologists, that they were carried out in the year two thousand and eight, have shown that low men were more prone to jealousy than taller guys. We can assume that taller men were more confident of their status and, consequently, less worried about the threat from potential rivals in love.
Taking steps to improve self-esteem, you can protect yourself from jealousy. Try to avoid negative thoughts about herself, focusing on their strengths. Engage in self-improvement. Sign up for any interesting courses, get a hobby. It's great to distract from the sad thoughts, raise your eyes to the partner and, most importantly, in your own eyes.