Self-esteem - it is our perception of ourselves. We can set itself "five" and appear to be "the most charming and attractive" and could put "two" and the blame for the repeated failures. Certainly, in the first and second cases, our relationship to ourselves may be biased, but, in practice, people with high self-esteem are better, achieve great success and generally happier.
The explanation is very simple: how do you feel about the self and present it forms the perception of the society you. Respect and love his "I"? This means that the surrounding will look at you that way. Otherwise, your negative perception of itself cause of other people appropriate attitude. Therefore, the secrets of how to raise self-esteem, has recently enjoyed increasing popularity.
The main components of self-esteem
What constitutes self-esteem? Everyone knows that it is not taken out of nowhere. The origins of many psychological problems should be sought in the past, man. As a rule, our self-esteem is a reflection of self-concept, that is what each of us thinks about himself, about his actions and that he can do in the future. A folded and is formed under the influence of various factors and circumstances. Self-concept consists of three main parts:
Information. This person's beliefs about himself, which usually deal with some specific features and characteristics. And they do not have to be shown and 100% correspond to the truth every second of time. Rather, a more permanent knowledge. For example, you think you are beautiful. And the fact that at some point in time you are sick and lying in bed with a dirty head and sniffling, this belief does not lose its meaning and relevance. Just now, you're not in the best shape, but when will recover, it will immediately lead themselves in order.
Behavioral. Whether you find yourself no thought is an objective reality, and in the case of mental health (and we hope that you have it in full) it has to be taken into account. It is the objective of your self-concept - what you are actually doing, what reach. There is no place for illusions - there is only you and the results of your interaction with the world.
Estimated. Basically, when we talk about respect for yourself as an individual, we mean this part of the self-concept. It includes how you yourself perceive certain features and characteristics of their nature, because they can get you to like or dislike. And often we are too self-critical without objective reasons.
Typically, self-confidence based on three main actions. And the first of them is the ratio of your ideals with who you really are. The best option when there existed a small gap. If it is significant, and I-real strong falls short of the I-ideal, there are two answers to the question of how to raise their self-esteem and love his "I": either to try to be better and more successful, or lower the bar of expectations with respect to itself.
Next is the ratio of personal representations to the expectations of others. It so happens that you, in general, feel good about yourself, but your parents say that you have achieved enough in life, but could be so much more. When a person is saying once that there's anything wrong, but when you hear the words my entire adult life, it may result in the collapse of self-esteem.
The final action becomes the perception of the effectiveness of its activities in various fields. It's very sad, but being a wonderful boss and held business woman, you can not have time to do at home and consider myself a bad wife and mother. And it also has an impact on your self-esteem. It is therefore important to prioritize.
As you can see, we have a lot of reasons for low self-esteem. Sometimes it seems that the whole world does nothing that tries to have something to touch: the work is not made up, personal life is not going well, the parents of "sawing" and so on. But still very much that this did not happen, and we were still the best and most wonderful! And since I have to live in the existing realities, then work on the right sense of yourself in them sometimes necessary.
Why is crumbling our self-esteem?
Before we answer the question of how to improve self-esteem, we need to understand that was the reason for its decline. It is not happen by itself: perhaps some of your actions, thinking, living conditions contributed to the fact that at some point you are no longer self-respect and self-confidence suddenly evaporated. So what mistakes, subsequently causing low self-esteem, people tend to make and why they lead to such disastrous results?
Error One: forget your own desires for the sake of others. People who are accustomed to and are willing to sacrifice their own needs for the sake of others' needs, of course, very convenient. With them comfortable, because you can shamelessly use their help. But very few people are interested in the internal state of the "victim." Over time, it has, that is, you get the feeling that your own life is needed only to create a comfort to someone, but not itself.
In addition, and gradually accumulated resentment and a feeling that you do not respect. This is quite true, because the surrounding are so used to making sacrifices on your part, they think it is something to take for granted. And when at some point you get tired of doing good, to expose all the shoulder and wait when you finally will appreciate, people do not understand you "demarche". None of this is good for self-esteem, so do not try to be all hateful good witch or a silent martyr.
Admit it, because you know the situation in which her friend asks to borrow money for the next new thing, and you can not deny, though well aware that such actions infringe upon their own interests? For example, depriving themselves of the opportunity to go to a beauty salon to change the image of bored, take a course of massage or pamper yourself with something else. Overcome internal barrier and firmly say, "I'm sorry, I have no money to spare! ". So you take the first step towards ensuring that raise self-esteem.
Error Two: to apologize for everything, everyone and everything. Ability and desire to ask for forgiveness for their own actions, that you, willingly or not, caused inconvenience to others, of course, very good quality. But do not ask forgiveness for others. For thus you take responsibility for their actions on themselves. And over time, you have a strange sense of guilt, which is becoming an eternal companion, and forms you have low self-esteem.
Of course, grief and distress must be able to share with loved ones. But unpleasant life situations are often caused by someone else's irresponsibility, so why take his part? Remember in school years you have written Examination estimated "five", and girlfriend, which you with the best intentions generously gave written off, received a "troika"? She is offended and angry at you, and you feel very guilty, but could not explain why. Well, who could have imagined that her friend will not be able to cancel without any errors?
Therefore, if as an adult you are still experiencing an inexplicable feeling of guilt, then you need to reconsider their attitude to many contentious issues to forgive myself and move on, freed from the burden of responsibility strange and alien. It is important to understand that the world exists by its own laws, the people in it act in accordance with their own convictions, so the monitor and take into account all advance impossible. Learn to be responsible only for yourself what the most favorable effect on your low self-esteem.
Error Three: perfectionism and lack of halftones. This perception of their own "I" excusable insecure adolescents. But adults successful women just have to be different. Contrary to popular belief that life is like a zebra, because it consists of white and black stripes, learn to see tints and shades. After all, nothing is perfect, so do not take their mistakes as a tragedy of universal scale. Maximalism towards himself destroys self-esteem, if something suddenly goes wrong, as it should on you created an impeccable image.
Remember in math class the teacher gave a challenge and said that she has several solutions, and all of them - right? And in life: almost any situation involves at least two out of it. Search for optimal solutions - that's what we should focus on. And lovers exaggerate not want to see any one, and only lament: "Oh, what a loser I am! What to do? This is the end! ". Well, why not? Sometimes people fall into even more serious alterations, and with honor out of them, because they understand that everything in life is relative: worse today, and tomorrow will be better, and the next day all things will get better. So be tolerant and adapt to his ideals to reality.
Error Four: constant comparisons with other people. It is important to understand that we are all on the individual temperament, level of intelligence, way of thinking, feeling and attitude. Therefore, the success and achievements of one should not be the only possible reference point for others. A simple example: a girl from your environment suddenly discovered her talent of writer and published a book; Another friend made a career as a dancer, and a classmate even became a PhD in psychology.
What must it feel when you if you have low self-esteem? That's right, envy, awareness of their own imperfections and flour flagellation due to the lack of such talent. But if you look, then surely there is something that gives you better than others. For example, you have a great cook, embroider a picture or write a poem. The problem is that your friend did not hesitate to make their talents to the meaning of life, and remained at the level of your hobbies.
So do not judge yourself as a person that something is deprived or discriminated against and are therefore not able to be successful as others. Look for his vocation and do not lose your individuality, equaling to others. Remember that any work or work only makes sense that brings joy to you in the first place. What would happen if the portrait painter compared his talent with the skill to paint landscapes? Nothing good but spoiled canvases and dissatisfaction. Therefore, always do what you do best, do not be afraid to follow the dream and do not look at what and in what area reached others.
Error Five: love sad tales. No, we are not talking about the stories for children. It happens that provokes low self-esteem people seek out something that will force to forget about their own failures. But it does not attempt to turn our attention to some joyful event. No, you start to look around in search of even more sad situations that your on their background seemed less sad. Or simply invent life "fairy tale", in which there is no place Happy End.
It would seem that there is bad? And the fact that your self-esteem suffers, because you obviously are programming yourself in the negative. But you also tell sad stories to other people that may cause such a reaction on their part, as an unwillingness to communicate with you. Indeed, life and so not very many of us indulge happy event, and now you with their stories. So do not be surprised if one is not even beautiful, the moment suddenly find that talk heart to heart with someone you do not. This further lowers your self-esteem. Try to carry a positive, then pulled around to you, and you will like yourself more.
Learning to love yourself
Many people turn to a psychologist with the question of how to raise self-esteem. However, in some cases, the client continues to resist, and still continues to consider themselves poor, the expert is powerless. Therefore, the most important factor in raising the self-esteem is your own desire and enthusiasm. Adds a regular execution of our advice - and voila! In half of the cases you are able to resolve this issue without resorting to a psychologist. So, how to love themselves and improve self-esteem without any help?
Do not try to meet the expectations of others. First, all people can not please everyone, and secondly, to adjust to all is simply impossible, because then it will not be you. Of course, someone's desire to be taken into account, but only to consider, rather than blindly to redraw under them all his life. So learn to filter out other people's expectations for you. Get yourself a notebook, which make everything around during the day you have been waiting on. Analyze the record and leave what you accept and agree with what, and what is foreign to you, just give up. To facilitate the process of sorting, listen to me: if in response to someone else's expectations of you there is resentment and protest, then it's too much, what better immediately tell the person that he harbored no illusions extra to your account.
Realistically assess their current capabilities. You can set any goals for yourself, just try to adequately assess the resources, which has at the moment. There is nothing wrong to want to become a millionaire. But blame yourself and call a failure, because you're not 25 years have accumulated a fortune, it is not necessary. It's a manifestation of lack of respect for herself. Lower the bar and put in front of goal to match your current abilities. And when they reach, put the following. And so in all.
Report regularly to analyze their successes and failures. If you say to yourself: "I am a loser. I do not work! "- Then again, useful for notebook entries. It records that you do not specifically formed, as well as specific and objective reasons. It is possible that in some of your failures do not blame you, but circumstances or someone else. And be sure to record your successes, even the smallest, such as "cooked delicious coffee" and "the things beautifully laid out on the table." At the end of the day reread.
Watch for their appearance. Still, we - women, and our self-esteem depends on our inner sense of self. And, you see, it is different when you are unkempt and dressing gown - is one thing, but when in the parade and heels - quite another. Therefore, wear nice clothes, make-up, watch posture and gait. This is the easiest way to raise self-esteem, without unnecessary difficulty, and external interference.
Think of his failures as a growth point. All men make mistakes, but confident individuals see them as recommendations for further action, and not reproach ourselves. "Yes, I was wrong, but I'll try to fix what you can, and take into account the results of their actions in the future in such a way to make something even better" - it is with this in mind let go of failure.
Communicate with good people. Try the maximum limit contact with people who constantly criticizes you, but your friends and family ask you to give more positive feedback (only objective!). Let them talk to you compliments about your appearance, to notice your progress and generally have a positive charge, since then, they are close friends!
We strongly recommend to read: How to love yourself and self-esteem