All parents dream that their children have grown up good, honest people. But more or less faced with the problem of children's lie. Realizing that their child tells a lie, parents often fall into despair and begin to look for answers to questions - what to do if the child is lying? And why in a normal, happy family it is the child began to lie? Where he learned it and who is it taught? Maybe this friend had such bad? But where to look for the guilty, if lying, for example, still very young child, who because of their age does not walk without a mother? Can I deal with children's lies, and if so, how?
Of course, it is unpleasant to realize that in the education of your child, something went wrong. But first, let's try to define what children lies. The famous American psychologist Paul Ekman gave the following definition: a lie - a deliberate decision to deceive the person to whom the information is addressed, without warning of its intention to do so.
If your child is still quite small, it is unlikely that he deliberately decided to distort information to mislead you
. He fantasizes, and he believes his fantasies
. His fantasies - no more than a truthful fiction
. They are inside the fabulous glow illuminated his mind, because his life seems to him a fairy tale
. He quite sincerely can tell you that yesterday to visit him live tiger cub came
. This fantasy for children is natural, because he believes in the magic of fairies or Santa Claus
. For example, remember the story of "visionaries" children's writer Nikolay Nosov
. The heroes of the story - two boys, who tell each other about their adventures
. Sea de they can easily swim, fly and able to before, now here just forgotten how to
. One of them even flew to the moon - it's not hard at all! And second, when he crossed the ocean, the shark bit off his head, because he is without a head swam to shore and went home
. And his head was then grown a new ...
If all the lies your child comes to writing similar stories, then you absolutely do not worry because of that. It's nothing to lie absolutely not. Your child has a very rich imagination, that's all. Perhaps he has a creative ability, and they should be encouraged and developed.
Before you resort to this infant lying when they say has deliberately untrue, it happens that the child is lying, even without realizing it. Until about four years kids lie still is not completely necessary. It simply is not necessary. He just does everything that he wants, and he thinks it all right. He's still just not aware of the moral aspect of the concepts of truth and falsehood. The prudence kid everyone thinks the same as he did. Young children simply are not able to look at all the events through the eyes of an adult. In addition, they have not yet completely developed so-called "inner speech". They may not know how to pronounce mentally, after comprehending, his monologue. Therefore, say at once, without hesitation, everything that comes to mind. We can say that up to three or four years, children simply do not know how to lie.
After four years, with the development of inner speech, the child's ability to estimate appears in the mind, that is to say, and that - no. And even after four years, the child begins to ponder the question - that today it angry adult? whether it was possible to avoid punishment? and for which he was praised today? what to do in order to be again encouraged?
Think about how to make their lives more comfortable, to avoid "bumps", he suddenly realizes that there is a good way - to tell the truth. And then the psychology of children's lie is changing. Now the child begins to lie deliberately, as it lies now serves as the means by which it facilitates their lives. Especially when parents he constantly hears bans. Lying becomes a habit for the child, his protection. And only depends on adults to stop this habit in the bud. In order to figure out what to do if the child is lying, we must first understand why he does it. What are the benefits for themselves, it extracts when lying? What reason causes him to lie? He's lying, defensively, or did he attack you? Perhaps it lie - this pattern of behavior is that he constantly sees in the surrounding reality?
Causes of children's lie
Lying child - a signal that it sends to his parents. After all, he would not lie to you, if his life is all right. It is important to understand exactly what the need is for his lies. Having understood this, we can understand the causes of childhood lies. After all, the child is not lying because they do not love their parents or did not respect them. And not because of its moral values are weak. There are many different external factors that are pushing the child to lie. Lying baby also takes different forms. Let's try to understand what is a lie and what it can be explained. For this we need a kind of diagnosis of child lie - because just knowing the diagnosis, we can treat the disease.
- Lies - a fantasy, a lie - the game. We've already talked about it. It still can not be called itself a lie. Kids just amuse themselves by giving play to his imagination.
- Lies - manipulation. It is a lie to which the child uses to assert itself. It is difficult to distinguish from the lies - the game. It seems at first glance that there is no difference. The child also writes stories about himself, attributing itself extraordinary ability. But a lie - game totally selfless as any game. And its goal is the actual game. But when a child tells a lie in order to assert itself, it pursues a completely different goal - he wants to surprise, delight force wants to attract attention. That is, he wants to manipulate the feelings of other people for their own benefit. Here in the course can go and the proud stories about the wealth of parents, about relationship with celebrities, or vice versa, stories about how he was unjustly insulted as nobody likes, etc. The main thing is to become the center of attention, even briefly.
- The lie of fear. This is the most common kind of lie. The child is lying, because he fears that he will be punished or humiliated. Shame - one of the most painful experiences, and for the cause of the child's painful feelings may be even that in the eyes of adults can seem a trifle. In addition, the child may lie out of fear of upsetting, frustrating parents, and maybe - for fear of being rejected, deprived of parental love. In any case, if the cause of children's lie was the fear, then there is a violation of the mutual understanding between parents and child. It is important to understand where, when, lost confidence and security in the relationship? Would not that punishment and restrictions are disproportionate with the guilt and condemnation of the child where he is waiting for support? And perhaps that child needs assurance that his problems are not indifferent to others.
- "And ours, and yours." This lie is most common in families in which relatives of the conflict between them. For example, when my mother and grandmother took the position of opposition. The grandmother said that her daughter properly raise a child, bad economy leads, can not plan on spending ... And her daughter said - mother is not considered my views on education, too pampered grandson, all the time interferes with my life. Now think, what accounts for the child? After all, he is constantly talking, and grandmother, and my mother. And he loves them equally strong. However, he is well aware that my grandmother and mother are unhappy with each other. But it is very important to be loved. What does he remain? When her grandmother to support her opinion of my mother, and when her mother - to agree with everything she says about his grandmother.
- Imitation adults. Quite often when adults lie to children, not realizing that they were being closely watched by children's eyes. And it also happens that the adults themselves ask the child to lie. And if the child is now at your request says to someone on the phone that you are not at home, while it is the house you are and do not be surprised, that tomorrow he will tell the truth to you. After all, the child begins to lie because he imitates you, believing lies just an element of communication.
- "The holy lie - a white lie." Can a child to lie in order thereby to help someone, and sometimes even save? At what age he is capable of it? Needless to doubt - perhaps in a fairly early age. You just remember the children's matinees and children's theater performances. Even four-year audience in unison shouting gray wolf that Bunny ran to the right, while the left-eared jumped. So the "white lie" has a very low age limit, which has been proved by experiments and scientists who study the psychology of children's lies.
- Lies revenge. It so happens that the child is constantly in conflict with their parents. It seems that parents completely ceased to love him, and perhaps had not loved. So he takes revenge on them for the lack of love with lies.
- The reason lies can serve, and that the child seems to be that parents stopped loving him. Feeling rejected, he is desperately trying to attract attention in any way. Even if in the end the parents get angry and even punish him, he will still be glad that it drew attention. And it will continue to seek attention in the same way. A little to improve their self-esteem and little to stand out among the rest, he again will resort to lies.
- Unmotivated lie. By making "children's diagnostics lie", I must say that this is a hopeless case. The child was lying unconscious and as constantly as breathing. For him, it's just a habit, routine daily. The child is constantly lying, not thinking about the consequences of cheating. Typically, the effects did not even care about. Even as many times who resorts to lies, he continues to lie on. Typically, the behavior of the child almost defies correction. The reason for this lies, probably, in genetics, because it so happens that in one family lying several children, and parents-children liars tend to lie, too.
When the child grows, parents are starting to think that now you can count on his consciousness. After all, with children's fantasies and fears already finished! But as a teenager there are new reasons to lie. So why children lie in 14 years no less than 4 years?
Lies in adolescence.
When the child gets older, he has a need for greater autonomy from adults. The child begins to create such a space is available for all where the host can only be himself. At first, as a child, this is a game of passion "sekretiki", and in adolescence there is a real secrets that a teenager can be entrusted only to a select group of people. Sometimes the desire to be independent of teenagers leads to a completely senseless lies. So, he can say that he was in training, but actually went to the library. And despite the fact that the parents did not abuse whatever for the library, not for training. Just a teenager is the process of forming his own private, personal life. It's just a sign of adulthood, and parents should not get upset for nothing.
The desire to break out of control - the main cause of teenage lies. It's kind of a rebellion against what you are trying to require a detailed report of a growing child - where he was, with whom, what to do? If you really do so, it is not surprising that you have been to incriminate his teenage child in a lie, even if he had never cheated on you not to.
White lie in adolescence is also used quite often. Since at this age is attached special importance to friendship, then lied to in critical moments to save his friends - this, according to the teenager, a noble act. Quite frankly it is assumed that not doing anything wrong by using peer salvation lies in any form - silence, denial of the obvious, and the like.
Another reason why children and 14 years of lying, as small - is again attracting attention. This happens in cases where a teenager is not sure that he is still loved by their parents or their peers are not interested. Perhaps the child believes that with the help of lies he will be able to overcome the barrier between them and the people whose opinion he cares about himself. And it does not understand, which could ultimately lose their trust. Parents should notify their child. And yet they need to think about how you do not feel themselves deprived of their child? Is there enough attention paid to it in the family? Can you say with certainty that the child feels that he is not only love, but also valued his opinion count?
Signs that a child is lying
If the child is lying all the time, then you may define it according to some obvious signs. You should be wary if talking to you, your child is doing the following:
- trying to look away, do not look you in the eye;
- when something says, suddenly he puts a hand to her mouth. Kids make this gesture more clearly, older children gesture becomes less expressive, but is still noticeable;
- the child begins to cough frequently during the conversation;
- touching the nose, without realizing it;
- He rubs his eyes, chin or temple;
- touching the neck or collar pulls;
- pulls the earlobe.
If talking to you, the child holding his hands in his pockets, then, most likely, he wants you to hide something.
This, of course, only some of the symptoms. Attentive parents notice any change in the behavior of their children. And if the child is lying, what to do with it - it is necessary, without haste and without relying on emotions. After all, if the child is lying, then, in your relationship there was a crisis of confidence. And in this there is your fault. Therefore punish the child for a lie - it is, of course, very simple, but fair. You are older and more experienced, and you decide how to emerge from the crisis. Talk to your child as an equal, as a friend, try not to expose him not to generalize all of its faults - talking only about the case. And if you're not completely lost his confidence, the child will go with you to a conversation.
How to wean a child lying
So, you find that your child is lying, but what to do with it - you do not know? When the child is lying to you, thereby fed to signal that his world is not all right. Very often the child lie allows careful and wise parents understand what is going on in the child's mind that it hurts, it causes anxiety and even fear. In such situations, a lie for a child - as a balm for the wounds of the soul. So do not rush to express their punishments and the severity of indignation and exasperation "releasing a pair." You must try to understand what causes your child to lie and try to help him.
There is no simple recipe how to wean a child to lie. In each situation - their own ways of solving problems. And if we mentioned the penalties, then we'll start them. Try to analyze, not too Do you have excessive demands on the child? Perhaps they do not correspond to its capabilities. You do not resort to constant teachings, notations? Perhaps the baby is constantly under the yoke of fear - fear of humiliation, fear of punishment? It is not lie simply protection shield against this fear? In this case, you will need to review their methods of influence on the child.
For example, your child brought home from school a bad grade. Is deuce away from the fact that you punish your son? No of course. But after the punishment disappears trust between you and your child. How to proceed? Punishing is not necessary, as a punishment only confirmed the fears of the child, and it will continue to lie, thinking: is not lucky and caught me, but next time I will carry, and will be nothing! It is much more correct to support a child's right pattern of behavior: do with it work on the bugs, to help sort out the confusing topic for him, to praise him for his efforts, rejoice with them in the future revised estimate. And to support it, if the next time he tells the truth about receiving bad evaluation.
Never attempt to make of her child alone only source of positive emotions. The child also has the right to negative emotions. If he does not lose power with their help, you will not be able to prevent stress, freeing themselves from the spiritual "slags". Therefore, understanding the possible manifestations Treat bad mood, giving the child the right to different emotions, and he will not befuddle your usual lies.
What to do if your child is still small, but it has already started to lie because I did something wrong and now fears that if parents know the truth, they cease to love him?