Very often, child psychologists and educators hear from parents is very common question: the child does not respond, what to do? It would seem that this is a problem as much as there are parents and children - it is always there. And at first glance it may seem that in such a long-term scheme of education of the child shall be perfected to the last detail, and must be passed on from generation to generation.
However, in practice it turns out it is not so - and this is not surprising. After all, time does not stand still, I was not only parents, but also children, the way of life, the moral values of society, and more, in some way influence the course of the educational process. And especially a lot of these changes and contradictions of our time - the world has changed dramatically just in the last decade.
Too many parents are completely confused, resulting in contact with the child they can communicate uncertain, inconsistent, with no clear indication of the limits of what is permitted. And it is not surprising that every child immediately feels like the uncertainty of parents and immediately try to use it to "pull the blanket over" and forcing parents to make parents exactly what he needs.
But surely almost all parents understand that they have - that do not. The result is a nervous and tense atmosphere - and a nervous mom and dad and the baby. Yes, and all the other members of the household are unlikely to remain quiet for a long time against the backdrop of a systematic unfolding battle. The outcome of this educational process may be twofold: either the parents simply - simply give up on his ne'er-do-son or daughter of a hand, giving the child entirely yourself, or that, of course, is much more reasonable, they seek the help of a child psychologist or, if they absence for professional psychologists.
And not always in such situations, it is about a teenager! Very often, an appointment to the above professionals have parents still quite young children - 5 - 7 years. And it is quite a sad tendency - because if parents can not cope with a rebellious child, while he was still a little scary to even think about what would happen in such a difficult transition to adulthood.
That is why the education of the child is essential. However, unfortunately, the only ready-made recipes right action in any given situation just simply does not exist. Of course, there are some basic rules and techniques, but parents need to remember that all children are exclusively individual, and what is right for one child to be totally unacceptable for another. Education is an extremely creative activity, and parents should feel keenly the needs of your child, like a good musician his instrument.
First, parents should have full information regarding the life of their child - social circle, desires, interests, and goals. No matter how strange it might seem, but, unfortunately, a lot of parents do not have the slightest idea about what their children live. And there is nothing surprising in the fact that a common language with the child is very difficult - because in such a situation, parents do not have virtually no common ground with your child. So where do we get an understanding?
And if parents want to establish relationships with their children, they have sufficient influence, they must be prepared for the fact that they will have to work a lot. And this process is to shift onto the shoulders of psychologists and teachers also will not work - in fact parents should build relationships, establish contact and guide the actions and behavior of the child in the required direction.
So why do conflicts arise?
Very often those parents who for some - any reason lose contact and rapport with your child, ask yourself and others the same question - why did this happen? Where they made a critical error, after which began the inevitable break? Of course, every family these reasons their own, but child psychologists distinguish several main reasons, one way or another affect the process. These reasons include:
One of the most common culprits conflict of generations is an elementary struggle for the right of parents to play first violin in the family. As a rule, children are very experienced conflicts between mom and dad. However, very soon they will begin to see in these conflicts the opportunity to deviate from the rules, do not listen, if not to manipulate their parents. Too many parents, believing that any conflict is not for children's ears, find out the relationship without the presence of the child. But it would be naive to believe that the child will be completely in the dark - the children are very good and sensitive psychologists, and be sure to quickly understand what's what.
- Complete subordination to the interests of the child
Another model of family relations, which occurs very often - it's unquestioning obedience desires of younger family members, and the organization of family life is given only to children's needs. However, parents are advised by psychologists such as quickly as possible to stop and reconsider their views on life. Of course, it goes without saying that the main meaning of life almost all parents - their children.
But forget about myself and not worth it - after childbirth your life does not end, but only becomes more intense. And there is nothing wrong in the fact that your children will spend a month in the village with my grandmother, not in the camp in tropical countries. But you can finally still after all these years afford to escape to the sea to relax.
And if the whole family life will revolve only around children, then very soon the children will get such bad qualities as laziness, selfishness, irresponsibility and complete other "charms". And parents should always remember that the child eventually will grow. And it willy - nilly have to live in a society of people for whom your child will only be a member of society, not only an outstanding personality, what it is for you. And just think, how to feel your child is selfish, who is accustomed to the fact that his every whim fulfilled immediately, as if by magic?
Of course, there are many other causes of conflict between parents and children. However, they are generally based on these two basic error parents. Family and child psychologists recommend that you solve the problem very objectively and impartially evaluate and identify all those errors, which allow parents to communicate with their children.
Who is to blame and what to do?
So, the fact that the problem still exists, the parents understood and accepted as inevitable. This is good, because, as you know, the recognition of the problem - it is half the solution. His mistakes must be able to recognize. And, accordingly, to carry out the very real work on the bugs, as is almost always the main culprits of the conflict of generations, unfortunately, are just parents - they are much older and wiser than a child. A, respectively, and the way out of the situation they should look for.
So what are the mistakes most parents make? This is what we asked to speak to a child psychologist. And that's what he told us.
The first thing parents need to do - is to look at the part of their own behavior. Yes - yes, carefully observe yourself - as you are communicating with one another, with the child himself, relatives and just acquaintances. Alas, often the model of communication is too far from ideal. But children are like a sponge, absorb everything. And the behavior of those closest to the child of people - parents - it copies entirely. And the prohibition here is hardly something that can be corrected, because often the child acts completely unconsciously - on a subconscious level.
Particular attention should be paid to its possible remarks against bosses at work or caregivers and teachers of the child, especially in the presence of the child. Thus, you give him to understand that the denial of power and authority - a perfectly normal and commonplace. And, accordingly, it is only natural that the child will think the same way.
As a result, he ceases to perceive educators and teachers constantly questioning their authority. Moreover, they often come into open conflict with an adult, and even "nodding" to you, "they say, and my mother says ...". That's really very unpleasant situation. But the worst thing that can happen - is that sooner or later a child with high probability could put into question your credibility.
Therefore, psychologists are advised to be extremely cautious and careful with critical statements in relation to adults, and especially to educators and teachers. And especially not to find out the relationship with the child - it is better take a few minutes and go to kindergarten or school at a time when the child next to you will not.
Of course, in order to comply with all these requirements, parents need all of their constant exposure and careful self-control. But very soon this behavior will bounce back and become your routine. And the effort will be worth it - because the child's behavior begins to change almost before our eyes. Namely, it is necessary in this case.
Another important point - remember that a child is entitled to protection. And this right has become an ulterior motive in the official Convention on the Rights of the Child of the United Nations. A child by nature is very important to feel safe. To this many parents can argue quite rapidly: we protect the child from all dangers of our possibilities! Of course, with this, no one argues, you are protecting the child from dangerous household items, from the dangers on the road, from a variety of diseases and the like.
However, remember that the child is in urgent need not only to be protected from the real danger, but also on the danger of information as long as he did not really learn to perceive this or that information, and therefore, real and adequately evaluate it. Typically, such a child's ability to receive approximately twelve - thirteen years.
And as long as a small child, parents should be protected as carefully as possible crumb of various negative information. Try not to include in the small child, and news channels too realistic violent movies. And if it happens, so that the child still saw one or another hard-hitting story, be sure to tell him that the soldiers, police or firefighters required to correct the situation and all the save.
Child psychologists say that for the full and harmonious development of the child should be fully confident in the fact that the world around him only good and justice. Otherwise, all the nature of the child can greatly resist and rebel. As a result, parents will receive a completely uncontrolled aggressive or hysterical child.
For parents, it is important to be rigorously consistent in their words and deeds. If you make a promise to a child, to honor his pledge, come what may. And if we do not obtain the promises, due to extraordinary circumstances, insurmountable, do not dismiss the case, and be sure to talk with your child, explain why you could not keep your word, and assign a new date. Otherwise, the child will no longer trust you. And without the trust of any good relationship, even can not speak.
The same goes for the ban. If you forbid something your child, in any case, do not go at it on occasion and do not cancel your ban. For the normal development of the child, he must know exactly the boundaries of what is permitted. Otherwise, the risk is very high that the child will experience virtually irresistible temptation to try to expand their scope of what is permitted.
However, with restrictions need to be very careful. You should not entirely limit the life of a child a strict ban. They should be only when the ban is really vital and necessary. After all, you do not despots, but first of all loving parents. For example, it is not necessary to prohibit watch TV or use a computer just because you have a bad mood today.
Speaking about bad mood to be mentioned separately. Never, under any circumstances, it is inadmissible to tear his anger and bad mood for your child. Perhaps he can endure it in silence, but quickly will take over this bad habit of tearing her bad mood on others - friends, teachers, siblings, and even you. And get rid of this habit is extremely difficult. Therefore, parents should carefully control their emotions.
Of course, it is not necessary in a bad frame of mind to try to portray the cheerful smile. However, it makes more sense to tell the child that at the moment you have something troubling, so you're not inclined to talk. However, be sure to talk to his promise - to draw - to play - read - a little later. Believe me, you will understand even the smallest child. And you entirely eliminate conflicts and misunderstandings.
Another very widespread mistake parents - lack of coordination in matters of education. For example, you are not allowed to go to her friend's daughter. And my daughter immediately ran to the Pope, who easily dismissed daughter. Agree totally absurd and unacceptable habit. And once a child is to observe these differences in educational policy mom and dad, he'll begin to regularly abuse them.
Parents in matters of education should act as a monolithic granite slab! Of course, even in the most ideal for couples with no differences in the policies of education of children is very difficult to do. But, in any case, is not to sort things out and do not address these differences in the presence of the child, as it can start to behave very badly, considering that the parents themselves do not know what is required.
In no case do not leave unpunished transgressions child. Of course, we are not talking about a broken cup or accidentally torn pants - from such no one is immune. But if this cup child raspsihovavshis, flung into the wall, or cut pants to not wear them, the punishment should be, and immediately. Psychologists do not advise to postpone the execution of punishment, as virtually all children waiting for punishment is the most severe test, negative impact on their psyche
Mum or girlfriend?
There is another critical error that most often make is in relation to mothers daughters. They strive to become their real friends. Of course, this desire is worthy of respect and praise. But in any case we must not forget that the girl friend may need about teens and baby Mom need it.
And, indeed, even a teenager needs to remember that his mother - primarily the mother. And so in any case should not be allowed familiarity attitude towards themselves. Affection and tenderness not necessarily have to go hand in hand with familiarity. The child vitally needs a strong hand, parental, care and support - otherwise its harmonious development is simply impossible.
Praise the child
Also, talking about what to do if a child does not listen, not to talk about such an important instrument of education, like praise. Almost always parents praise the child only for academic excellence, thus focusing it only on the academic achievements.
Of course, a good performance is essential. But she is not the only value. The child must also be praise and his other qualities - for responsiveness, intelligence, kindness, patience, tact. Such praise will aim at developing the child's those qualities that will be useful to him in adulthood.
And the most important thing that parents need to remember: the best advice in the education of the child shall be your love. And you're not going to ask the question: the child is naughty, hysteria does not listen, what to do? Ye not confused, and already will know exactly what to do if a child does not listen.