You love him, and he was ... this abuse.
This type of men I call
. It is common, but the "sting" by no means all. If you expose the muzhchinu-
once, then your relationship is only two ways:
- He will give justice to your character and go in search of another, more compliant.
- He's in love with you, because you are not like those sheep, which he was too legko.No, most importantly, your relationship will not be a third way - converting you into a passive victims who are temporarily and throw, or, worse yet - "enjoy life".
But as a woman, which is easy
- low self-esteem
- dependence on the partner (not self-sufficient).
Some of these qualities are traditionally considered women to be positive. But when it comes fateful encounter with a manipulator, they always turn against her. The fact is that during the first interviews with the victim, an experienced
looking for here is that it would be possible to "catch". He asks different questions, feeling your weaknesses.
For example, the dream of any manipulator - conscientious woman. With it you can get up to almost anything, and if "vzbryknet" - immediately accuse it of lack of conscience, reminding her that for her. Then she immediately grabbed his head and the habit will take all the blame.
Similarly arrive with a trusting and sincere; those willing to share with the manipulator unnecessary information. For example, "black" case, in which you long ago have repented sincerely, you will constantly remember, you only outraged some of his bad deeds.
Further, I have listed the quality in the comments do not need - they are a great boon to others than to you the most.
On the other hand, if you happen to be born good man, you can compensate for their kindness insight and common sense. Then "and not fall into hell and live a good life."
But the qualities of a real manipulators:
- lack of a sense of guilt.
As you can see,
- The complete opposite of his victim. His words and deeds are often hidden subtext. If his speeches, he summoned a pity - it is done in order to abuse your responsiveness when demonstrating sincerity, listing all of his minor sins - most likely it is to provoke you to be frank and to lure from you any " terrifying "truth.
- Force yourself to wait. Manipulators time to tighten your love waiting indefinitely. They use the pause anywhere, anytime. When do you expect a thrilling continuation of the dialogue, they pointedly silent. Often this is accompanied by a pause scrutiny. In doing so, an experienced manipulator knows that naive victim not survive to create a "verbal" emptiness and necessarily express any hasty and stupid idea; maybe she will begin to apologize or make excuses, can suddenly obsequious agree with what she should not have to accept - in any case it will be a witness against himself same.
The purpose of these pauses - to confuse the victim, cause her anxiety and emotional disorder. A confused victim always easy to manage.
There are other variants of "manipulation waiting". For example, after you've had a great time together, he said, citing urgent business, he disappears in an unknown direction. The first few days you have to remain calm, but it does not ring and it makes you nervous. A week and you say to yourself - this is the end. But it passes a couple of weeks - it comes with some plausible legend, and now you are exhausted long wait, agree to believe anything, just to again be alone.
See how everything is simple! If the man returned to you too fast, you would still have forces that would make it go away. But, when you have almost lost hope, and here such a surprise - it becomes for you to return a gift of fate! In other words, you were given at the time to understand a simple thing - you do without it bad, so give it up voluntarily you can not.
What can I say? The diagnosis of your illness - a "dependent on a partner." In amorous and weak-willed women, it is almost not treated. Exit one - to take an example from the keypad; develop a self-sufficiency and to begin the search for "business of his life." Your mental space, abbreviated thus minimizes all the torments of the soul.
Once a friend told me:
Do you want to make sure that she was thinking about you all day long - never call the exact time of your next appointment.
For example, I asked the girl:
- Can I see you tomorrow?
- Of course! - She says happily.
And then I tell her, that from six to nine, I'll be there for her on his "Mercedes".
If she asks why such an uncertain time, I refer to the unpredictable meeting at work that could disrupt all our plans.
"What is it business and prudent."
Thus, to "prepare" for our rendezvous she actually leaves 4:00! After all, she begins to prepare for it as early as 5, and I go after her only nine.
The more she looks forward to our meeting, the faster the falls. So I present to this girl, "a lesson in patience." If she agrees to wait for me, then, to agree on everything.
Externally, soft and fluffy, internally it is very tough people. They are, first of all seekers after power. However, the first manipulators always seem easier than it really is. Therefore, many inexperienced women tend to underestimate their managerial capacity.
It is appropriate to recall the manipulator, playing the role of infantile boy who was unable to control myself (but perfectly controls you). "Fouling", and then portraying an innocent smile, shrugs apologetically, they say, what can you do - this I am too! Long offended him simply impossible and useless. Women fall in love with the parent type of "boys" without memory. There are manipulators, prosecutors adoring cling to the words. They all your argument prepared to "pervert" in its favor.
Of course, I have listed not all methods
manipulation of consciousness
. In fact there are many more. The main thing is that you must learn from this chapter - is that the trap snaps shut when you are made to feel guilty for their imperfection. That is, you clearly given to understand that you are without understanding, unethical, illogical, vindictive, hysterical - in short, not a superman, or the embodiment of holiness.
The task of every self-respecting manipulator remodel your value system so that it allowed him to mold you what he wants. This may be used certain phrases aimed at is to distort your relationship to reality. This leads to the fact that you're having illusions about his place in his life. As a result, events that happen to you, for you to acquire a completely different meaning. Thus is formed a substitution of concepts. For example, immoral behavior is treated as "freedom from prejudice," "personal independence", "nezakompleksovannost"; your desire to realize himself as a personality - "selfishness", "revaluation of their abilities," "neglecting his love and family values."
And how do you such a hypnotic phrase: "There is only the here and now, just you and me ..."
Yes, it goes directly into the goal of your subconscious mind, especially if in the past it was bad, but about the future and think is terrible. Just with such phrases, it looks more romantic and not so banal and cynical as it is in reality.
And yet, despite all the suffering that sooner or later the accrue to everyone who bind themselves some obligations with arms, oh, how women love him! From these men it is difficult to give up voluntarily, and, well knowing about it, they can decide when it's "time to say goodbye." What is this phenomenon of unconditional love? Yes, in that, firstly, they are perfectly able to play on contrasts: black - white, heat-cold, because some of these men never stale or bored. Second - "the people want, yet can not take." A manipulator are not easy to take. They say they are in love with the woman he some "elusive." And if you set aside for women sentiment and to say a man - just slippery. And if more precisely - a slippery type with which you "lucky" to be dealt with.
Can I change something?
As you know, this
As a self-sufficient person and pragmatic, not subject to revision. Whatever he may say to you about his feelings - his essence remains unchanged. Do not engage in self-deception, not wise to teach him his unconditional love. It is better to think about what you can contrast it to you the consumer. Do you have the inner strength to it? If not, it is better ... But it will be better for you - you decide.
What you can learn from.
Dog pays good attitude to his resignation -
Cat while enjoying themselves and experiencing voluptuous
a sense of power - it does not give anything back.
You can become a good teacher. Such a person is not an absolute evil - he teaches. But it is provided that in the "learning process" you deliberately included. This will require you the ability to look at your relationship "as if from outside." Also, please be self-control. Keep in mind - the more you love, the greater the need to cultivate self-control.
To speak with a scorched manipulator "on you" and stop looking at it from the bottom up, not only to memorize "templates for proposals" and expose their "controller". These methods are ideal for occasional interaction, but you will have to "dig deeper" if you plan to develop these relationships and suffer from them are not going to.
Generally, it is not surprising that, in spite of his difficult character, you still want to be with him. People of this type are endowed with a certain charm, plus they usually have what is commonly referred to the "aspirations of the majority" - high-paying job, a prominent position in society, communication and the like. Sooner or later they get their way, because these "managers" are well aware of what others want. They know "someone, it hurts," and his own "sore spots" carefully concealed. But you know, they have certainly hurt? This is their pride. When something is not "the scheme" - they get hit on the most affected area. And if you just "fill up" such a man his love, then it is a common thing - a typical reaction "stupid" women in his spell.
But if it becomes "a slave of love" in your plans do not include, and you dream about relations on an equal footing, then you have some ways to be like him. But how to do this, if by nature you are a bright and open person and have a polar character with arms? Did you have to step on the throat of his own song? There are more humane way - develop inner strength, transforms himself as a person. At the same time you can not give up their best qualities, you just learn to take them under control, to show they are not out of habit, and as needed. This is to ensure that you, too, can "tickle his nerves."
Do not spare paddle, not its position, do not put yourself in his mesto.Rassuzhdayte logically. It is one thing to regret orphanage orphans, and quite another - a full-fledged adult man who tomorrow through you crossed safely and go about their business. Because self-interest for him above you.
So, in order to love this man had for you is relatively safe: not to pay for the love self-esteem, we must learn from him three main things:
- The ability not to bind (do not depend on a partner)
- Lack of self-pity.
- The ability to create contrasts.
And now all this in more detail.
- To be able to be self-sufficient. To be able not to be attached
Not depending on experience
. To do this, it is important to understand that the most valuable and expensive that you have - is yourself
. This is the only thing that is guaranteed to remain with you until the end ... Everything now revolves around you, including people close to, sooner or later, may be lost from sight, and with it you can at any moment to bring to face the mirror and to see one person who certainly will never let you leave - himself a favorite! You know, there are such pathologically affectionate nature, easy to become dependent on any circumstances and other people
. They - nesamodostatochnosti
. (can not live without someone or something to live)
. So, the manipulators of this type of people do not belong
. Manipulators realize that the only thing that will always be with them - it is they
. What they find permanent confirmation - cars, some things, people and even you - most likely a phenomenon in their life time
. Therefore, such a man is never given to the love of a woman entirely - only part of the ...
- Lack of self-pity
. It turns out that you can love yourself and not feel self pity. How can it be? When a person takes a proactive stance - on self-pity he does not have enough mental space. Conversely, passive victim always revels in self pity. Anyone who cherishes this feeling, it feels everything: to my beloved, to the past, to other people. Such a person can not control any other, no other - he becomes vulnerable and easily edit them.
- The ability to create contrasts
. This is an important part of the charm of any manipulator. A cruel and aloof, he sometimes becomes soft and fluffy, and this impresses you, causing the dance to his tune. Just noticed Valery Rumyantsev: "Know how to drop a spoonful of tar wash joy." It is impossible to crack - he is a chameleon. His behavior is incomprehensible to you too changeable in time to find it "living space."