- The crisis of the first year of married life
- Family crisis of three to five years
- The crisis any mature marriage
- Always there is a betrayal of the grounds for divorce?
More recently still in the family was the world so smoothly. And suddenly cloudless sky overcast, dark, and finally broke a string of quarrels, is not enough to interrupt that has no force. What happened? Why does every little thing irritates, more tuning spouses against each other? And now, looming very serious prospect of divorce. It would be necessary to stop another tragedy is imminent. But as? How to keep the family together, if either the husband or the wife does not wish to concede, with absolutely no understanding of what is happening to them? Let's see in the probable causes of this situation and try to find a way out of such a difficult situation.
Problems related to regular conflicts in families because of insignificant reasons - a fairly common phenomenon. The complexity of their successful resolution that starting fuss over nothing, we can get into such a jungle, of which are very difficult to get out. And then divorce already seems inevitable, despite the fact that quite a few years behind successful marriage. And under the roof of the endless scandals father and mother suffer no innocent children.
Constant quarrels in the family, of course, depress both spouses. And now desperate to find inner peace husband starts looking for an outlet in drunkenness or love another woman, and frightened his wife rushes to the fortune-tellers that they were advised by incessant strife plot. And he and the other spouse confused: save the family does not want to, but that further so can not proceed.
Of course, scandals because little things can have many causes. However, most often the cause of instability in the family - the crisis of marriage, coming, according to psychologists and family therapists at regular intervals after the conclusion of the official union. It can be linked with the age of husband and wife, contributing to the revaluation of future plans, and with the appearance of children in the family, their stages of growing up or care of the family. Some experts draw an analogy between the stages of conflict in marriage and crises of human growth. Let us consider these aspects of the relationship in more detail.
The crisis of the first year of married life
Initially constant quarrels in the family there are usually six months after the wedding. This also applies to those couples that are to enter into wedlock had the experience of so-called civil marriage, and those who did not live together before. Emotional rise first months of married life subsides, the romance is replaced by monotonous everyday life with a lot of domestic problems. All clearly appear annoying habit of the second half, and each spouse begins to more actively implement their norms of behavior in the family. These rules are often focused on the foundations of the family of origin, which are usually also different. The result - the constant scandals that, in the end, often contribute to the divorce. Is it possible to keep the family in this difficult situation for many couples?
In the first year of life young couples should be aware that any attempt to impose their own views on life always fiasco. And the rights of others, even if it rules your mom and dad, clothes reminiscent of a neighbor's shoulder: kind and covers the nakedness, but it uncomfortable and inconvenient. Therefore, an argument from the fact that "my mom (dad) does, and you - no" basis under a no. Our parents also once created their own distinct from other family comfort by trial and error. And the process of establishing their marriage certainly proceeded not without contradictions, misunderstandings and conflicts.
In order to find an answer to the question of how to overcome the crisis of the family at this stage, you need to listen to ourselves and to understand that the love is gone. It only changed, turning from love-passion in a more peaceful and stable love, friendship. And such a state implies respect and a desire for mutual understanding. Any argument can be avoided if you try to calmly discuss the looming conflict. This will help normalize the situation and to find their own rules of coexistence in the family.
Avoid stereotypes and images of movie heroes. Do not expect from her husband that he would react to some kind of a situation exactly as it was recently seen movies. And the youngest wife does not need to copy the image of the super woman, trying to do everything and everywhere. This race is exhausted you, and offended, "I'm torn between work and home! "You can hear the following:" Honey, I could easily have dinner yesterday's soup, so there was no need to reinvent the lasagna! "Keep it simple, do not hide your weaknesses, but do not condemn them for her husband.
Another enemy of the relationship in the first year of marriage is selfishness. Yes, failure to yield to attempts to insist on his own, personal interests opposed to the wishes of the other spouse - this is the reality faced by the majority of young families. Magnificent wedding has died down, ended the honeymoon and there was the usual life. That was then, and begin major conflicts, because under one roof, in fact, are two completely different people, one of whom likes to laze in the output, and the other can not wait to go for a walk, clean the apartment to visit friends.
Selfishness is manifested in the fact that between the young husband and wife, there is rivalry. All sorts of jerkin, mockery, insulting statements in the presence of mutual friends - all this is often possible to observe it in the early years of marriage. If the couple do not know how to cope with their own emotions under control and keep rushing outward irritation, the life together is quickly becoming a burden for them.
The age-old "Why should I (should)? "Increasingly sounds from the mouth of the spouses. But this question has nothing to do with an unwillingness to take responsibility for anything. Most likely, it manifests the stress of changing the living conditions of both moral and material terms. The lack of freedom, the need to adapt to the needs and desires of another cause internal protest. This is a temporary phenomenon, and to deal with it, should "step on the throat" of its own selfishness, not sharpen the conflicts, to understand what is happening just grinding characters, not a farewell to love. Patience, kindness and a desire to keep the family together - that should guide the couple in such a difficult period.
The young husband at the beginning of a marriage is to learn one very important rule: strong position is not to achieve absolute power over his wife, and that she recognized the supremacy of men. And who shout louder in this case - does not matter. The support provided by his wife, the solution of difficult situations, responsibility for the family - this is what contributes to the establishment of relations in which male dominance looks quite natural.
But the woman should not see her husband only a means to achieve any benefits. This position is always losing, because sooner or later people get tired of just giving nothing in return. Lack of fear of responsibility for the family, the desire to not only receive, but also happy to give themselves and their feelings - that's the only possible answer to the question of how to keep the love in the family in the first year of its existence.
Family crisis of three to five years
The crisis usually occurs three years after the birth or beginning in the first years of his life. Indeed, the emergence of the first-born of both spouses - a lot of stress. Associated with it is replaced by the joy of constant fatigue increased from sleepless nights because of the need to care for a toddler. Moreover, usually the wife unknowingly begins to devote most of his attention to the child, which is extremely annoying husband feels superfluous. The quarrels in the family, in this case, often due to the fact that he is trying to rectify the situation and to contribute to the process of education kid. Between spouses there are constant disputes about how to feed, clothe, how often to take the arms and so on.
Often there is another picture. Woman knowingly transfers all his affection and tenderness for the child simply because of the man she loved, she does not get these feelings to yourself. No habits kiss before leaving and after returning from work, coffee in bed the husband does not work, breakfast on weekends does not indulge, once again did not take an interest about the health and so on. But not all the women know that such behavior is inherent in the nature of men, male, and not a personal expression of callousness on their part. The majority of boys in principle alien sentiment. The brighter and more actively expressed in your chosen one masculine, so it will be more restrained in expression of feelings.
So do not punish her husband, deliberately depriving him of affection. Remember that we women are a source of warmth, love, and, generally, all the emotional component of marriage. Do not try to take revenge on her husband does not close entirely going into the care of the baby. So you only embittered spouse and encourage the search for pleasure on the side. Instead, teach him to return manifestations of love in the family. Before leaving for work leave the room with a baby if you are already awake, and wish on behalf of both successful day the pope say that you miss and wait for his speedy return.
Encourage your spouse any manifestation of the desire to stay with the child, bring him to the joint swimming and evening walks. But do it gently, tactfully and in a timely manner, because if you make tired of a busy day two o'clock a man walking with a stroller, it is not difficult to guess how it would end. Therefore, know the measure and respect the wishes of a spouse to relax.
Do not repeat the same mistakes are very common when a young mother alone with the baby in the same room as her husband sends a so-called link on the sofa in the living room, citing the fact that he needed to sleep. Yes, of course, rest is required, but no less important is also to comprehend the science of how to become a caring dad, and this is impossible without the hassle and sleepless nights. Do not be afraid for some time to leave her husband and child together previously loved telling where it is. Your lack of them closer, and will also allow the spouse to assess the full extent of his wife's befallen the hassle and complexity.
Period associated with the emergence of the baby in the family, challenging, it can delay the husband and wife to each other for a long time. In order to survive it unscathed and keep the family together, we must remember that irritability is due to fatigue. A debate about the methods of education kid arise from the mutual love for him. So try to show flexibility and restraint. So you will find the best option relations develop acceptable for both the line of education kid. These same factors are usually explained by a family crisis five years of marriage. But with it also connects instinct inherent in us from the time of primitive man.
Then the union between a man and a woman were to temporarily and only in order to give the tribe offspring. And when the child three or four years, to take care of him could not only father and mother, but also the surrounding. Therefore, a man with a clear conscience went to seek favor with the new woman. The evolution of human consciousness that occurred since then, of course, left a definite imprint on the behavior of the husband and father in the family. But primitive instincts sometimes manifest themselves by provoking crises in the fifth year of the marriage. You can smooth them, if from infancy to develop between mother, child and father unbreakable bond, which helps to form a mutual concern, the division of responsibilities, joint leisure activities and so on.
In other words, it is necessary not only on the material level to understand the extent of responsibility for the family, but also learn a special relationship to their children and to each other, based on love and the feeling of home. The only way to overcome the misunderstandings that occur in the third and fifth year of marriage, and personal example to answer the question of how to keep the love in the family after that period. But the seven-year crisis and subsequent are much more difficult of the two previous.
The crisis any mature marriage
Seven years of marital union - a kind of adolescence, the family, the husband and wife begin to bill their achievements. They compare their own situation with the status of peers and often make is not very pleasant for itself conclusions. They are the cause of constant quarrels in the family. The couple believe their guilt defeats the wrong choice of life and remember all of the accumulated during the period of marriage resentment. In fact, the family crisis seven years is more age, so the second half, though it has a relation, but not directly.
Soul-searching in this case are very negative factor. Each of us can find a lot of wrong deeds in their actions. This is normal - no one goes without defeats. In general, the crisis, which falls on the seventh year of marriage, is a psychological discharge, needed to have accumulated all this time of stress. It is expressed in increased irritability and resentment, because of which there are constant scandals and violence. This is a very difficult period of married life, in fact it accounts for the majority of divorces.
Moreover, in most cases, even the apparent tranquility and well-being of seven years and the other, more mature, marriage - it is just a facade, behind which hides the routine and monotony. Children, work, home, and occasional entertainment in the range of long-familiar faces - all this gradually leads to the realization that intoxicating feeling of flight, which is inherent in love, to experience the prevailing realities will not succeed, and to replace the burning passion came the notorious habit. And the whole life seems to soreness of the mouth, predictable and therefore boring. When you look in the mirror and husband and wife say fatigue in his eyes, visible wrinkles and a few change the shape of the body. Agree, all this is not conducive to positive thoughts.
Between spouses there has long been talk about feelings, their communication boils down to is that you must buy from the products or clothing, where to send the children to summer school or kindergarten what to choose and so on. In other words, personal intimate topics have moved into the category of prohibited husband and wife live together and like, but every man for himself. Uncommon situation where the husband tries as little as possible to be at home, with the burden of his dissatisfaction with the second half, and claims that he has little time to the children. But in fact, we women have something else in mind. In a veiled form we make it clear that not enough male attention is not the child, but to ourselves. And the more of these omissions and puzzles, the more difficult it is to keep the family.
To this crisis and the later period was easier and did not lead to divorce, it is important to have cooperation between the spouses. It often happens that the wife was initially wary of her husband's attempts to cope with raising a child together, it suppresses the desire to help with the housework, and so on. In the end, it turns out that the couple looks at most aspects of family life have remained distinct. And it is quite dangerous, because the results in their distancing from each other's interests. So, then, to express dissatisfaction if the husband instead of going on a picnic with you and the children silently goes fishing? You see, it just does not feel one with the family.
First of all, the first example of post outspoken voice to their own desires. But no tears, tantrums and scandals. Let's talk alone for a romantic dinner in a very friendly manner. Do not hesitate to touch the existing problems with the lack of attention to each other. Suggest to begin one weekend a month to spend together as a family, the second - to devote exclusively to each other and to dispose of remaining at the sole discretion of each. Remember that having a dialogue, a clear recognition of the existing difficulties will facilitate the search for ways out of the crisis and will preserve the family.
Some spouses at this time prefer to disperse to by himself to reflect on how to live. If the relationship with the other half from the beginning built on the deep feeling that time spent apart, bored, and make it clear that love is not gone, but only a little "dusty" from time to time and in need of updating.
What do you do in this case?