You died a relative - what to do? The death of any human being, let alone death of a dear and loved one close - always unexpected event. Even when he is dying gravely ill man who had no chance to survive the demise of which doctors have warned. The death of a loved one, in most cases it becomes a shock to anyone who has suffered such loss. The person feels a loss of emotional ties, and it falls a great sense of guilt, a sense of unfulfilled duty to the dead. From memory suddenly pop up long-forgotten details: that's when I said no way, but if something is not done about something forgotten, something not in time ... All these feelings and thoughts oppress, causing severe stress.
After the departure of a loved one comes to realize that your life will never be the man did not. There is a feeling of pain and anguish of heavy losses. Plunging into mourning, a person ceases to receive any information from outside and falls into a state of stupor. The only thing he can think of - how to survive the death of a loved one? It seems incredible - he's gone, and I still live!
Psychologists are seven stages of grief, through which the mourners of a loved one people. Moreover, these steps are not necessarily alternate in sequence - each person individually everything happens. After the first stage of mourning may be on the fourth, then go to the second stage, the first to come back ... It all depends on the individual.
7 stages of grief
The first stage - denial, "It can not be! It is impossible that it happened to me! "The reason for the denial is fear. Fear of what happened, the fear of what will happen now on. Stunned by grief mind tries to escape reality, and people trying to convince himself that nothing happened and nothing has changed in his world. He simply unable to accept the loss. Outwardly, he may appear or numb, as if frozen in grief, or conversely, fussy-activity - it concerned the organization of the funeral, he is busy buying ritual supplies, ring up friends and relatives, even tries to calm others. It does not mean that in the second case, the person can easily stand the loss. He simply can not yet realize it.
Efforts on the preparation of the funeral could well influence the one who fell into a stupor - funeral arrangements, funeral services, which should be ordered in special agencies make people somehow to move, to act, to talk to people. And still need to find out what documents are needed for the funeral and get the funeral allowance. First act, people willy-nilly out of the stupor. Therefore, it is important that people can understand - it is not necessary to protect loved ones who died from these efforts. Ritual care needs more alive than late, because the output from the "frozen" state. Rituals are like step transition to life without the deceased loved one.
Sometimes it happens that at the stage of denial people generally ceases to perceive the surrounding reality. He no longer even understand who he is and where he is. This does not mean that he has gone mad. If this reaction is short-term, it will fit into the norm. It is advisable to help a person get out of this state - to give him a sedative, to talk to them all the time to call by name. We must remember that in this condition may cause impulse to withdraw from life after dead. Therefore, it is advisable not to leave the suffering of one person and try to distract him. To comfort and soothe in such a situation it is not necessary, it still did not help.
Most often, funerals and memorials occur at a time when a person is going through the first stage. Very important: If he cries, you have to give him cry, do not accelerate the funeral does not take grief-stricken man from the grave. It is a good thing if he could cry. The Russian funeral rites there was a custom to invite to the funeral mourners to lament, they helped cause the relatives of the deceased. Tears at the funeral to help recover from the stress and mean the beginning of finding yourself and stop this process is impossible. Emotions have always focused, or staying in, they literally begin to eat away at a person, causing stress and disease carrying him.
By the time the stage of denying a person begins to understand his loss, but his subconscious for some time still can not quite take it. Therefore, people at this time are constantly encountering those things that remind him of the dead, even if he has never paid any attention to them. He can see your loved ones in the crowd, to hear his voice. This is normal, and grieving relatives have not afraid of his behavior.
In most cases, the denial does not last too long, but it seemed to soften the feeling of surprise death and gives people the opportunity to prepare themselves for the perception of care close. Denial makes the time to fully understand what is happening. It's like a fuse - a protective reaction of the psyche, which helps to not go mad with grief. And once a person is willing to accept what has happened, he can go from denial to the next stage.
The second stage - anger. "Why did this happen to me? What did I do to deserve this? "Anger, rage, resentment, envy, even to those who have escaped such a fate - these feelings tend to capture a person completely and projected onto everything and everyone around him. No one for him at this time will not be good enough, and each, in his opinion, will do everything wrong. Such emotions are caused by the fact that everything that happens is perceived as a great injustice. The strength of these emotions depends on the person's identity and how he afford to splashes.
The third stage - vsepoglaschayuschee guilt. In memory begin to float various episodes of communication with the dead, and comes the realization - enough talking softly, not enough attention is paid. Man begins to torment the idea - and everything I did in order to prevent this death? Most people who have died someone from the family, saying: "If I had done this or that, then this would not have happened! "They are terrible torments of regret due to the fact that they did not do something on time. Very often it happens that guilt remains with the person even after he will go through all the stages of grief.
The fourth stage - depression. "I give up, I can no longer bear it." Most often, depression overtakes the one who kept a emotions, trying not to show their feelings to others while passing through the first three stages of grief. He depleted the energy and vitality, and the person loses all hope that someday everything will return to normal. Grieving deeply sad, but do not want someone to sympathize with him. He falls into a dark state, which does not want to interact with others. Suppressing his feelings, he does not give the output of negative energy, and as a result becomes even more miserable and lifeless. Depression after the death of a person dear to the heart can become incredibly difficult life experience, which has negative effects on all other aspects of life.
The fifth stage - pain relief and acceptance of what happened. After a sufficient amount of time required for the passage of the previous stages of grief, the man finally reaches the stage of acceptance of the death of a loved one. He is ready to come to terms with what happened and take responsibility for their future life. Tears in this period usually becomes smaller. One learns to live in a new world - a world in which man is no longer expensive. He will progress to the point where there will be no depression or anger to the world, frustration and feelings of hopelessness.
Departed loved ones in this period of grieving remembers already alive and not dead, often talks about the memorable moments of the life of a loved one. Memories light permeated with sadness. One feels that learned how to manage their grief.
The sixth stage - a revival. "I have to change my life and start all over again." It's hard to accept a world in which there is no more of a loved one, but it must be done. Once a person reaches the stage of acceptance, he is beginning to shift to the revival. At that time he will need to spend a lot of time alone with him, will be silent and uncommunicative. It is necessary for it to listen to yourself and try to find yourself again. The recovery process can take weeks, months or even several years.
Seventh step - the creation of his new life. When a person comes out of a period of loss, having lived all the stages of grief, many things change, and in himself, and in his life. Very often in such a situation you want to find new friends, to change their environment, many even moving to a new job or change their place of residence.
When the mountain does not go away
This is normal - to feel sadness, confusion or anger after a loss. But over time, these emotions have become less intense, and you will gradually accept the loss and begin to move forward. If you do not feel better with the passage of time, or your sorrow becomes deeper, it can be a sign that your sorrow was transformed into a more serious problem - complicated grief or stress.
The sadness of losing someone you love never goes away completely, but it still does not have to always be in the spotlight. If the pain of losing so constant and severe that keeps you from resuming normal life, then most likely you are suffering from a disorder known as complex (or the complicated) grief. Man, as it were stuck in a state of mourning and intense emotional pain. It is so long after the event can not accept death, his thoughts are so busy with a dead person, it breaks completely during his life and breaks all his relationships with other people.
Symptoms of the complicated grief include:
- intense sadness and sorrow for the dead;
- intrusive thoughts or images of a loved one;
- rejection of the death and the sense of disbelief;
- imagination that a loved one is alive, the search for it in familiar places;
- avoiding things that remind us of the departed;
- extremely exaggerated anger or bitterness over the death;
- a feeling of emptiness and meaninglessness of life.
The difference between grief and complicated by grief
The difference between grief and complicated by clinical grief mark is not always easy, as they have many common symptoms. However, the difference is still there. Of course, the mountain can be very deep and bitter. It includes a wide range of emotions and a mix of good and heavy days. But even then, only when you get to the middle of the mourning process, continuing to grieve, you will already allow moments of joy. With depression, on the contrary, a feeling of emptiness and despair are constant.
Other features that allow you to judge the presence of the complicated grief:
- deep, overwhelming feeling of guilt;
- suicidal thoughts or concerns about the death;
- a sense of hopelessness and worthlessness;
- retardation, delayed speech and body movements;
- loss of ability to perform daily tasks at home and at work;
- auditory or visual hallucinations.
When should I seek professional help?
If you find any of the above symptoms complicated by grief, do not delay treatment to a specialist. In the absence of treatment of complicated grief can lead to life-threatening illnesses, and even to suicide. But treatment can help you return to normal life.
Knowledge about the stages of going through grief and sorrow can help people to better understand yourself and go through each stage unscathed. Especially as depression after the death of a loved one can lead to prolonged stress, and this is a direct threat to the health and mental well-being. It is important not to let stress affect your health! Knowing the characteristics and symptoms of stress, it is possible to prepare for what is waiting for you ahead. It is possible to learn to come to terms with itself at a new stage of life after the loss of a loved one!
Symptoms of stress that may occur after bereavement:
- Lack of sleep or sleep is often interrupted. Lying in bed, you're in for a few hours can not sleep, or wake up constantly throughout the night. Perhaps you wake up too early in the morning and can not go back to sleep. Not emptying the whole day you feel tired and sluggish.
- Anxiety. Due to the ongoing crisis, you can not make up your mind. You suffer the constant feeling that you do not finish it, something not thought of something missed the attention. "Off" anxiety is not obtained.
- Tearfulness. You might find a thousand reasons to cry. It seems that the tears are always ready to flow out of the eye. In general it is a good idea, as weeping gives vent to emotions and relieves stress. However, abundant tears and crying, turning into a tantrum certainly are a sign of uncontrolled stress.
- Losing interest in everything. Even those things that used to seem very important to you, you are now completely not care.
- The inability to cope with normal activities. Even simple and routine daily tasks like grocery shopping or cooking, seem unfeasible, and taken the last forces.
- Panic attacks. At the time, as you experience loss, you engulfing so many strangers are still emotions that can sometimes be mistaken for a premonition of something bad. You start to think that this time something bad to happen to you or someone from the family.
- Immersed in his own thoughts. You are so busy with thoughts of losing a loved one, it is clear that you can even imagine his voice, smell it.
- Irritability. Annoy start even the most insignificant things. Even that always brought only joy. For example, a dog that faithfully loves you, or your child, there is nothing which is more expensive.
- Devastation. Devastation after development becomes the culmination of all these features. You start to think that there is no strength to even live.
Do not be alarmed if you notice at such symptoms. Experiencing stress from loss of a loved one is quite natural. Time, love and support of friends and loved ones will do their job, and stress will pass with time. Help yourself out of this state: Teach special breathing exercises for relaxation, try meditation music for relaxation, every evening go for a walk in some park or on the shore of the reservoir - the noise of the leaves or the kind of splashing water also helps relieve tension. Someone can help informal conversation with friends, and someone will bring relief to visit the church.
How to cope with grief and loss?
Tip One - do not give up the support of others. Even if you're not used to talking about their feelings out loud, it is important to afford it when you're in trouble. The most important factor in healing after losing a loved becomes just the support of friends, relatives and acquaintances. Their assistance will need you more at that stage, when only a relative has died, and you can not even figure out yourself what you need to do. They will help to draw up the documents for the funeral, tell you where to get the funeral allowance. And later, after the funeral, do not turn in on themselves. Whenever you offer help, accept it and do not grieve alone. Communication with other people will help you heal faster their spiritual wounds.
Contact your friends and family. Now is the time to lean on the people who care about you, even if you have always been proud of their strength and self-sufficiency. Do not cut yourself off from those who want to help you. Most people want to help but do not know what is best for you. Let them know what kind of help do you expect from them - maybe to cry, burying her in the shoulder, maybe you need help with the funeral.
Join a support group. The mountain can feel lonely even among friends. Communication with those who have experienced similar losses, will give you the opportunity to share their grief with understanding people. To find your local support group for the loss of loved ones, please contact your local hospitals, hospices, funeral homes or counseling centers.
If you still feel that your grief is too great, and you have lost control of it, consult a psychologist who has experience with stress after burning. An experienced doctor can help you understand yourself and cope with emotions.
Tip Two - Take care of yourself.
What to do next?