For many of our family - one of the main goals in life. We choose a life partner, get married, hoping for a long and happy life together ... And she, alas, is impossible. Someone fear of loneliness, does not dare to change anything, resigned to circumstances and ekes out a sad existence for many years. And someone submits a divorce, believing that remarriage can be more successful. How likely is and what are the psychological problems of remarriage, we'll talk.
It seemed an unsuccessful attempt to start a family should be at least for some time to fight off the desire to enter into remarriage. Oddly enough, but it is not. Statistics confirm that more than half of divorced people almost immediately after the collapse of a family willing to create another. Why is it so hard to say. Perhaps subconsciously we strive to restore the lost balance of communication, even though it was negative. Or maybe we want to prove the former half, which is not yet beens and use popular with the opposite sex. Or trying to escape from loneliness and pain ... One way or another, but the willingness to remarriage after divorce remains virtually everyone. And create it almost all, but some are not going to hesitate, while others are waiting for the time eyeing weighed ...
In general, remarriages mostly stable than the former. Why is that? Partly because previous bad experience teaches tolerance and more peaceful perception misses partner. In part, because very much do not want to re-experience the feeling of uselessness and confusion that emerged after the collapse of her first marriage. Frightening and that will have to re-experience the divorce proceedings. And finally, people just have no desire to get the label: "I husbands (wives) like a glove." After all, in our society, remarriage still perceived more or less favorably. But the third or fourth already considered dissolved.
In general, men in this regard, less cautious and prudent, than women. They may well be a month or two to bring home a new wife, without thinking how it is better than the previous one. But the fairer sex to remarriage fit more carefully and meticulously. Very much they do not want to re-step on the same rake. At the same time, many men and women have the same feature. They often choose a new halves, though somewhat similar to the ex-wife or ex-husband.
This choice occurs usually spontaneously. It must be said, in part, he is intelligent. Analogy qualities former and current partners helps to avoid repeating past mistakes. And get used to the newly formed family easier. In general psychology remarriage is that people involuntarily compares those who close now, with those who have been in this place before. And the similarities between the two men, and the difference between them often help determine the type of relationship in the new alliance, and to understand how to behave in order to avoid unnecessary scandals. However, there is also a lot of disadvantages, because of which the second attempt to start a family may end in failure.
As we have said, many of us unwittingly choose almost always the same type of partners. However, people with similar personality types are prone to the same acts. For example, if the first husband was weak and non-self, or, conversely, uncompromising and selfish, then the second may well be much the same. As a result, remarriage is practically analogue of the previous one. And the finale it may be the same.
Remarriage is able to collapse and because of that he concludes hastily, in defiance of the former spouse. Look, they say, as I have claimed, but you did not appreciate! And anyway, in your world is large enough! The decision to create a new family in this case is based on emotions and is often ill-advised. It happens that the new family unit is created by people who divorce after a long time to be alone. They are tired of their consciousness of the uselessness and are willing to enter into an alliance with anyone who would agree to it. Than it can end, it is clear without words.
Since it is necessary to create a remarriage that he was reliable and what dangers threaten the family, which was formed after the divorce? The occurrence of any psychological problems it should be expected?
The impact of the past on new marriages
We have already said that a good part of divorced spouses is trying once again to ally with anyone - it almost immediately after the divorce. In that case, if the previous marriage has long been a formality, as today's partners already well aware of each other, that's fine. If not - should not act hastily. Terms of preparation for remarriage at everyone, but the general rule for this situation exists. To do this you need to take the plunge when the opinion of the former half of the new family will cease to have at least some value.
In general, the fact that the man was already married, has practically no effect on the formation of subsequent marital ties. Psychological problems remarriage may occur for other reasons. Often, it interferes with the welfare of the intervention of the former half, which by all means try to poison the existence once their loved ones. This is especially true of those who were rejected. And attempts to sow discord in the new family often look quite innocent. For example, former wife, who did not arrange her personal life, is constantly ringing, talking about children. Or begin to regularly ask for help in dealing with a particular issue. Or even begin to be imposed on a visit under the guise that "she's not a stranger." In short, try to maintain a seemingly friendly contact.
Such contacts are difficult to sustain, under whatever sauce they are not fed. But if we want to save the Union, we have to take into myself and pretend that it should be so. Otherwise, because of the regular scandals and tense situation in the house remarriage would be in jeopardy. Fatal for him can become a habit to remember the former partner when necessary and not necessary. It does not matter how it is done - there hatred, regret it ... In any case, these memories hurt a soul mate and destroying its interior comfort.
Here we imagine that has already been married spouse will constantly berate his previous wife, pouring buckets of dirt on it. It seems that it should please him, even today's companion - once the fire, then, does not like. Probably, at first, in most cases the way it is. However, when it goes on long enough, then, somehow, it begins suggestive. Smart woman thoughtful first on why the husband can not forget the past. And then the fact that such an avalanche of mud, it is probably already harvested for her too. And who knows what she will make of his reasoning conclusions.
Worse things when my husband remembers former spouse with a hint of warmth or regret. And it is quite bad when he said aloud compares the two women are not in favor of the present life partner. Then marriage generally turns into a nightmare, and its reliability and durability is a big question.
In short, the more the family memories of past unions, the real chances of its collapse. However, if people are talking about the first marriage with unfeigned indifference, worry about the reliability of the union especially not worth it. After all, they remember their classmates, friends, colleagues, fellow students ... should be alarming only when the stories about the former mixed with positive or negative emotions. This means that remarriage did not destroy the strong emotional attachment to the partner who lived with him in the first marriage.
In principle, a strong emotional dependence lover from his past connection trouble, but not critical. Everything used to be held. The main thing - do not put in front of him ultimatums and demanding that he forgot everything. Firstly, it was impossible. Memory is not subject to reason. And secondly, if you tell someone: "Do not think about the white monkey", the monkey firmly settled in his mind. In order to get rid of disturbing the mind of memories, it is necessary to separate them from their emotions. It will do it only occasionally.
Psychologists believe that even the fact that half our remarried admire his former, not so bad. Usually this happens when there is no return to the past. Of course, a clear expression of admiration unpleasant, but shake their nerves because it is not worth it. We only need to calmly explain his half, the memories in this way we create an inner discomfort. It is likely that the former wife - a good woman. But now there is another next to the fairer sex. And she also has a lot of advantages. It would be better to pay more attention to these advantages, not to cherish what has passed.
It calms in a similar situation and the fact that memories are sounded. After a loud barking dog is not as bad as the one that bites secretly. It is possible that a person does this deliberately, and without malice, wanting to tease the half. Or so expresses his confidence in the half. Much worse, when the head of someone constantly swirling images of a past life, but does not say aloud. The unspoken feelings are transformed into a monster, izgryzayuschego nervous system. What he eventually will create, difficult to predict.
Often it happens is that the previous satellites idealized life. This is especially true of those who had experienced the death of his half. The most joyless here, created ideal imagination trying to try on a new partner, trying to re-educate and transform it. Partner naturally resists. There is a serious conflict that alienates people from each other. Divorce, if the alteration does not stop, almost inevitable.
I must say that with all of the above problems can be overcome, if desired. Of course, if remarriage is valued and is not perceived as a way to survive the loss of the first union. There are much more serious difficulties lying in wait for the majority of the newly established families.
Features selection of partners for the re-union
We have already mentioned that the previous family relationships often have an impact on the choice of partners for the next Union. And usually, it's remarriage affects negatively. Typically, after the divorce, we ask ourselves the question, why it happened, and blame either himself or his half or friends and parents. And sometimes, just explain cases of sexual or psychological incompatibility. However, in most cases the cause of the disorder is a psychological tension in the family. It occurs when there is no understanding between the spouses and unwillingness something to think about and discuss soberly, without scandals.
Before you remarry, you have to try to understand why the former Union was unsuccessful. Otherwise, an imperfect model of the former family will move into a new family. You can not build a house on the project, which has already proved the futility. Without realizing it, we often unconsciously choose a new partner, similar in nature to the person with whom divorced.
Generally, it is a psychological feature of any human being - people instinctively reach for a specific temperament. For example, a weak, insecure woman reflexively be attracted to strong and powerful men. A strong man - a good thing. But the flip side of his personality may well be dictatorial, coupled with the habit to teach his wife wits using fists. Naterpevshis of "defender" spouse after the divorce should look like a softer mate. But no, she will again strive for those who think a stone wall. Because experiencing a greater need for armor.
The same applies to the strong-willed women, who are accustomed to independence. After separating from her first husband, henpecked, they, of not knowing start to look the same blurred. And create a remarriage with Lanky, unable to act without instructions. In short, everything goes on under the old scheme. To change it, the person needs to understand itself. And try to understand why we are drawn to individuals of a certain type, and then can not get along with them. In all likelihood, the reason our internal state. And it will have to work on.
Sometimes the opposite situation, when a person is looking for a partner after a divorce, is fundamentally different from the previous one. Here, too, there is a considerable chance of creating a bad alliance. Psychological problems remarriage in this case will be as follows. Initially, the new half will attract, how to attract and mysterious uncharted given place. But over time it will become manifest irritating quality. And they will irritate not because negative. Even the positive character traits may alienate, if for psycho it is not suitable.
Here we take a woman needs a strong guiding hand. Suffered in the first marriage of this "strong hand", she chooses the second union intelligent, educated, sensitive man. Yes, the first time will be enough to last valiant poor will enjoy a family idyll. But she needs protection! A new husband is soft and compliant. Sooner or later, a woman feels insecure. Disappear her interest to a spouse, will internal dissatisfaction themselves and others. In the end, it all starts to get on your nerves and result in conflict.
Is it possible to minimize the chances of such situations? Of course. It is only necessary to repeat the conclusion of a marriage to think all is well. And to understand why the former family disintegrated. What character traits previous spouse contributed to the collapse of the relationship? Why are we no longer find the common language with him? Perhaps the reason for that our complexes and psychological problems?
And in general, to the new family was strong enough, it is necessary to revise its installation and the former requirements for marriage. You can not build a secure building on the rotten foundations of the old house. There is a risk that one day he would collapse, burying all under the rubble. And this can happen unexpectedly. So let us, for the sake of their own happiness, be reasonable and prudent!